Wednesday, May 26, 2004
Sadness Remains

Was I pretending all this while? I had this in mind for quite sometime but I did not want to blog it - is this part of motivated forgetting? I thought I was okay and could take whatever that was coming my way but I was not that right. I wish I could stop telling myself to forget him every couple of hours. If only I could find relief in crying, I would cry myself to sleep every night. However, my pride would not allow me to shed a single drop of tear for someone who never did care for me; not forgetting the mind games which he played often enough to make me question my self-worth, credibility and inadequacy. Whenever I am all alone and the picture of him comes into my mind, I would tell myself aloud, 'I HATE HIM, I HATE HIM' and followed by some evil laughter. After laughing, I will feel strange and question myself, 'Is that a stepping stone to mental illness?'

"because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone
these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase"

I would be lying if I said I didn't feel sad, disappointed and depressed over the tragic ending. Somehow, one part of me would not allow me to show it or even mention it ever again. (Not that it matters but it's affecting me and hiding under some carpet wouldn't help). I tried to drown myself with positive thoughts and words of encouragement day by day but they don't seem to help. Why? Why is there the emotional attachment (if any)? Why? Emotional attachment is the only way of making me unhappy, isn't it? Or was it expectations? If things can be so simple like how I perceive them to be, there's no reason for me to feel the way I am feeling. Why should I be feeling this way when he is enjoying every single second of his life? It's not about competition. It's not about that. There's no reason for me to question myself. Am I being super defensive? Do I need an emotional shield to protect my broken heart? Was it my mistake of trusting someone too easily? Was it my mistake to put hope and faith in someone who doesn't even deserve it? I didn't ask for this as it came without me knowing. I didn't even have a slight thought of it. I never did dream of this.

Only God knows how I feel and the only way for me to set myself free is through forgiveness as it is the greatest healer of all. How could I bring myself to forgive him when I am not even angry with him in the first place? What is forgiveness then? My Lord, help me, hear my cries, hear my plea, hear me O Lord, abandon me not, open a door for me and lead me back to Light, I pray.. O Lord, dare not I ask for life to be easier but You are my source of strength and give me the faith to face and presevere whatever challenges and obstacles that may come my way......

n-g || 8:58 pm || ||
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