Friday, May 21, 2004
I'm Going to Collapse

I really feel like collapsing. My heart is pounding so fast and I've no idea why. I've been rushing everywhere today.

This morning, I refused to wake up. I thought of skipping lecture too. Changing family roles when it comes to illness? Bingo. Dad tried to wake me up this morning. (Failed anyway. Only mum is able to piss me well enough to make me get out from bed) Then he did laundry. Then he cleaned the house. He even prepared breakfast for me. I was so shocked. (Mum never did prepare breakfast for me. So he got it wrong there)

This morning, I took the back road to uni because I didn't feel like driving at 90km/h on Kesas. To my surprise, the 'jalan belakang' was slightly congested. Why why why? There was an accident. I was chasing for time and everyone was slowing down for eggs. 4D number perhaps. !&(@#!&@#!@#. After lecture, I was trying to locate Dr HL to bring forward my Int. Review but failed. wanted to find Ms ZB but she wasn't around. Found GM but he couldn't help me because he had to do his Friday prayers. Later, Prof MH did the review for me. I didn't know why but I could not stop the panting which was pretty embarrassing. Neuroticism perhaps. It was already 1:xx pm and I needed to get home to get my laundry done. Realised that I forgot to bring my house keys when I was in front of my house. Shit happens. Arghhhhh!!!! Headed to Slow Joes MC to see my mother with Ms Gegula.

Today, mum was really different. Dad told me that her pressure shot up to 190/110 this morning. She vomitted everything she ate. She could not move about (like she did yesterday). She was so weak and tired. She could not even balance herself and walk. She could not even fight with me verbally. She did not have the appetite to eat. She still thinks that I am not done with her for selling April away. I was a jack@$$. Suggested the bedpan to her and not knowing the correct method to use it, I caused more problems for the nurses instead of helping them. Mum 'shoo-ed' us back after that.

Went to C4 to pick up some things for her. Rushed home to make her some celery + apple juice. Cooked some plain porridge as well. Thought it might be easier for her to eat. ;(( An hour later, rushed back to the H with dad after collecting the grapes from Ms Gegula. (Thank you girl).. Not that Mum was any better but she finished one bowl of plain porridge though. Two cups of celery juice as well. The food there is pathetic. I've been seeing the same dishes for the past 3 meals. Yesterday's dinner, today's lunch and dinner. The ECG report came back to be normal. (dad's relief for now) ..and it was found that her glucose and cholesterol level was high. Celebrex was removed from her medication because it was suspected to be the cause of her vomitting. Doc did ask, 'Does she worry alot?' Immediately, I answered, YES..signs of depression but dad was sort of defensive..he replied, 'it's normal for women after menopause..' instead. (Forget it. Men would never understand women emotionally) Jokingly, I asked the doctor to add prozac to her list of medication.. (in hope that I can use it too..)

I was fighting with dad telling him that depression is a common thing. I told him that I suffer from depression too. Mum interrupted, 'Yes i know. I know you are depressed about the dog!' Oh !@*)#!@#!! The dog again. Argh..I know that menopausal is one of the contributing factors of depression but but...!@&#!@#!!! Nevermind. There's no way for me to challenge dad, someone who sells HRT for the past two decades. Sigh. I really hope that mum would recover soon. I really miss fighting with her. I don't think I should stay there anymore as home is just 15 minutes drive from uni.

n-g || 10:31 pm || ||
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