.: o r i e n t a l f e a t h e r s :.

2004-12-16T17:29:00.000+08:00

relocating

Life is GOOD!

2004-09-22T21:10:00.000+08:00

Life is GOOD!

1. Just because you expected me to be there when I never did promise you anything, that does not make me a FFK Queen.

2. Just because I seldom say no to people, that does not make me an auto-YES machine without having to consult me.

3. Just because I rarely express my anger verbally and physically, that does not mean that I am not angry.

4. Just because I don't show my tears, that does not mean that I am not sad either.

5. Just because I don't speak/share my views, that does not mean that my mind is not working or I am simply too lazy.

6. Just because you have that 'hatred at first sight' mentality against me when you don't even know anything bout me, that does not mean that you have the rights to condemn me.

7. Just because I hate explaining, that doesn't make me guilty of whatever accusations you have against me.

8. Just because I wrote this, that doesn't mean you have to read it!

Life smells GOOD! People will eventually forget that you actually have a voicebox when you don't scream often enough. Now you know why bull-shitism stays!

Letihnya Aku

2004-09-20T19:11:00.000+08:00

Letihnya Aku

Was pretty tired travelling since lectures begin at eight every morning. Other than terrorising common road users on the road, I am pretty harmless (to a certain extend). In case you don't know, I leave home around 7:40 am and uni is like +/- 25km from home. Getting out of USJ into Kesas Highway is a big problem for me especially with stupid bapuks on the road. So I decided to move back to Vista after not staying there for 4 months. Not like I enjoy the idea but .. *sigh*

In case you guys didn't know, someone 'curik'-ed my mattress. YES! CURIK!! It's MINE! I brought it from home and that's an old mattress of mine. Shouldn't that be something personal? All my dead skin...dried cervical mucus...tears..sweat... blah blah blah.. and another person is sleeping on it now? [OH PLEASE! Don't give me that disgusted face if you think I am crude]. I don't know how I should feel but I wouldn't sleep on it the same way anymore (if I ever will); wondering did anyone de-flower my mattress by leaving traces of seminal fluid behind.

My depression is kicking in again and to the golongan ignorant out there: PMS is not the one and only source of depression (if any). Even it is, it's pre-MENstrual syndrome .. MEN-struation .. MEN-opause.. Blah!

Goodbye Mei Sim

2004-09-19T01:27:00.000+08:00

Goodbye Mei Sim

There are no words to justify my feelings. There's no point for me to show any element of sadness towards Mei Sim's departure to UK. Is it an Angie thing for not crying? Missing her loads; ranging from the way how she holds the fork, how she flaps her hands regularly, and her 'yaaayyyy' ..And I have whole loads of photo of her with me now..more to come.. That should do just fine. Picture paints a thousand words doesnt it?

Wish I could go to Sri Petaling and have more dim sum with you or perhaps to OUG for more makan hunting sessions.. Or how you would always invite me to your house for tongsui/hot-choc/super nice food/makan-makan.. I still remember clearly how you stood up for me when some lady tried to ate me. Thank you girl for all the memories. I truly wish you well and may all success be with you. Most importantly, may our Father in heaven watches closely over you and protect you from whatever danger that may come your way. As a friend, nothing is more gratifying than to be able to witness you standing tall with your chins up facing all the world challenges after graduating from Chem Eng. Of course, it just doesn't stop there.

Till we meet again ... ;(

Anyway, all the best to Kath and Him Cheng as well! :)

Why?

2004-09-17T11:20:00.000+08:00

Why?

Are we Malaysians over friendly or what? We rarely speak our minds especially if the stand opposes someone elses'. Are we conditioned to suffer in silent and not show signs of dissatisfaction or displeased when we really are? 'Adat Timur' you call it. Now, I think that's fucking bullshit. I think the Westerners are good at this - bold and outspoken.. straight to the point without needing to beat around the bushes. It's not rare for you to hear, 'No offense but I have to disagree with you.' What the fuck is the 'no offense?' for? That two words .. enough to make me offended even when I am not. You can't demand anything here or you'll be labelled as fussy..snobbish ..choosy or whatever shit.. So most of the time you have to pay a high price for cheap fucking shitty treatments from snobbish sales people (try looking at those cibai looking ah bengs and ah lians), corrupted politicians, inefficient service providers, corrupted politicians, local car manufacturers, corrupted politicians, rude civil servants, gostan 2020 government, corrupted politicians and corrupted politicians. Why? Because your whosoever tells you to be contented and not to complain too much. Else it will get you into fucking trouble. True enough. Mediocre. Mediocre. Mediocre. No wonder you accept it your politicians tell you NOT TO COMMENT when something unacceptable happens.

Looks like I have to go over to the 'Kejujuran-my-shit' council to 'admit' something that I never did do. I am no God and this is one part I can't forgive and forget. Why gave me false hope? The world is round. One day you'll get your fair share. Maybe having to witness your father fucking your wife on your marriage bed!

*sinful sinner sinning* again and again *

Help

2004-09-15T17:28:00.000+08:00

Help

I am not going to ask for more hours in a day but just give me super efficiency in whatever I do. Another 90 minutes to dinner but I still need to prepare for PBL. The terrible weather isn't doing me any good to me either. Life is as good as a dick.

Injustice

2004-09-15T01:18:00.000+08:00

Injustice

Who the fuck said that justice is fair?
I am so damn fucking angry. After framing me for something that I never did do, I am going to curse every single bit of you including your bloody dead great grandfather six feet down. Fine. I'll pay the fine but I hope it goes to your 'testicular cancer' fund. I think RM 40 should be sufficient to buy the bloody white cloth to wrap over your fucking fat dead body as well before you rot down there. DIE DIE DIE. Maybe one day the lorry would run over you and I would be more than delighted to remove your squashed intestines and throw it into your mother's blender. You bloody corrupted people. )#*$@$@$@#$@#$@!!!! That bloody pastries you have during your teabreak 3 x a day will soon land u in hospital for good. Should amputate your legs as well.

I am being very patient here and you bloody bunch are a full-time super bastards.

Crazy

2004-09-12T03:40:00.000+08:00

Crazy

Yesterday, my mother bombed my phone after 11am. Was pretty agitated and told her I didn't make it. She summoned me home immediately but I didn't go home until 2pm. When I reached home, she started screaming at me and within 10 minutes, I marched out of the house to go yam cha with my friends, 'YOU @)@#$@#$@ girl ... go out somemore lah .. day and night go out .. play play play .. everyday computer.. if not this .. if not that..' @!)#!*#@!@#!' or 'DIE LAH YOU.. what the !@)#!@#! you gonna study now?' eeeee ooo eee ooo .. *yawn*

I went home around 5.30 pm with more than 50 missed calls on my phone. When I opened the door, she shouted at me, 'your dad came back after lunch.. he fell sick liao..look at what you've done..' So I went up to look for my dad and asked him 'hey dad .. u okay? mum said u were sick because of me.. so where's my char kuey teow store which u promised?' .. in a very serious tone, he asked me... 'how bad did u do..' .. so i took out the slip and passed to him... A for saq ..A for ospe.. and overall A.. he was pretty speechless but nonetheless he was glad that i made it through... mum was kindda frustrated, 'why did u bluff me.. whyyyy .. ' .. i answered her.. 'oh i love to see you getting angry at me..' Okay. That was 10 percent of what I was to get if I failed. BAD!

This morning my auntie called and warned me not to pull such jokes anymore because my mother has high bp...she might not be able to take it and no amount of anti-hypertensive drugs can compensate for the damage done..upon reflection .. i am really jackass but i hope she would just leave me alone.. why do close minded people have open mouth?

Updates

2004-09-10T23:07:00.000+08:00

Updates

1. I am still alive
2. I didn't get kicked out of med school
3. God is the best Boss to negotiate things with
4. He gave me much much much more than what I asked for
(Yes, I still remember Pastor Martin Steele's 'multiply exceeeeeeeeeeeedingly' sermon)
5. I am really thankful for my heng tai chi muis who stood by me through thick and thin and kept me strong through prayers and encouragement.
6. Thank you LYS for the midmight smses (filled with adequate profanities to keep me alert)
7. I will not forget the days where I isolated myself in pool centres/arcades and what not.
8. I've re-discovered my true self during this period of time and my 'wants'
9. I'll be relocating this blog as soon as I get my mini flash work done.
10.I am listening to 'I Swear' by John Michael Montogomery and feeling loved now

p/s: i can't find my hotlink sim card for the moment and sorry if you guys can't reach me..

with love.

Dead

2004-07-12T14:11:00.000+08:00

Dead

I am dead. The paper killed me emotionally and psychologically. I am defeated. I am mentally tired and drained. I don't even know what went wrong. *cries* I studied my stuff thoroughly and .... sigh. How could I fumbled just like that? It was nothing difficult, all pure memory work. I got my DNA stuff all mixed up, I got confused between menstrual cycle and ovarian cycle, I wrote rubbish for Behavioural Science. and God know what else I did in there. I flipped through my notes again, it's all so familiar and yet I screwed up my SAQ. I am hurt. Maybe my hard work wasn't hard enough. Maybe I am not good enough to be a med student. Maybe things would have been better if I read every single word with confidence instead of ..'oh mi gawd.. oh migawd... how am i gonna do this.. i am so gonna fail?' Ever since I entered med school, I became more inferior and belittled. I don't know why ... I don't even know how... I lost all my spirit to study for tomorrow's OSPE. I've never failed any academic papers before. Why do I have to fail this time? Is medicine something I am good at (interests aside). Sigh. What I like doesn't mean what I am good at. I like to dance yet I can't dance. So what's the whole point? *DEPRESSED* Guess I would just have to let it go this time and prepare myself for resit... which is going to kill me so badly since I hate studying the same old thing... (5 times for now?)

..cries...

F u c k I t

2004-07-07T21:46:00.000+08:00

F u c k I t

Yup. That's exactly how I am feeling now. If I pass I pass. If not, I'll take the resit. It's not worth all the anxiety and emotional breakdown I am suffering with. >:(

End of Semester Exams

2004-07-04T11:00:00.000+08:00

End of Semester Exams

Eight more days to go but the fear is killing me. The lecture notes make me tremble. Maybe I am not good enough to be a med student. Maybe I don't have what it takes to be one. My insecurity and inferiority make me feel small. Really small. To start off with, biochemistry makes me sick. There is so much to memorise and I seem to get everything mixed up. Worse still when I panic. Perhaps, I should get myself prepared for the resit paper. *cries*.. or maybe try out CBT or something like that! :(

Ways to Drive Me Nuts

2004-06-28T18:02:00.000+08:00

Ways to Drive Me Nuts

1. F-ed Up Drivers

- Driving at 60km/h on a fast lane.
- Switching lanes without looking/estimating
- Cruising in the middle of the road (neither here nor there)
- Taking large turning angle ala lorry style

2. F-ed Up Sadists

Someone forwarded my dad a clip of the beheading of Kim Sun - the Korean hostage. My sick mum just asked, 'eh, why don't have the beheading scene wan?' Just shouted at them, 'Stop running the clip you sick people. Can you have some respect for the dead? Real f-ed up case.'

Well, I don't mean to be rude but the hakbar hakbar sound coming from their room is so bloody aggravating. I will not watch it.

3. F-ed up Students

- So what if your answer sheet has been collected? Does it mean that you can yak while the invigilators are still counting the number of scripts?

4. F-ed up Kiasus

- 'OH MI GAWDDDDddd.. 9 marks gone already...' or ' Die lah die lah .. I no eye see ah.. I 6 marks gone so far liao' x 100000 x multiple version

Showing attentiveness does not mean your peers give two hoods about it. Losing 9 out of 120 marks is nothing. What's the big deal? The paper is over and if you are not happy with it, go kill yourself.

Anyway I am quite satisfied with what I've submitted but it could have been better. So f-ing obvious that I lose more than 9 marks but I feel great. BITE ME!

Strange

2004-06-27T21:35:00.000+08:00

Strange

Different people. Different personalities. Different walks of life. Yet some things will remind us of certain memories. Really strange.

Was flipping tru The Star newspaper today. As usual, Dear Thelma is something I don't miss weekly. The first sentence of the first dilemma reminded me of myself. Well, the rest was irrelevant because I am not fortunate enough to be the girl.

http://202.186.86.35/lifestyle/story.asp?file=/2004/6/27/features/8304855&sec=features

Being A Woman

2004-06-27T10:42:00.000+08:00

Being A Woman

It's not easy to be a woman, what more being a super woman or wonder woman. Yesterday while having tea with a friend of mine, we had an interesting conversation about another mutual friend of ours. Let's call this mutual friend A. A has always been strong and loud. From the outside, she looks like an iron woman, not exactly womanly. Never did I believe that A would go to such extend of salvaging her love life. No, I am in no position to comment on her actions. People do wonders (read: crazy things) in the name of love. But what interests me more is the price or joy of being a woman.

A very close friend of mine, san commented twice, 'I know yours was a real sad case but you took it very well and strong.'

I wanted to ask her back in return, 'What's so f*#$ing sad about it?' but never did.

I am one woman who DOES NOT believe in the work of salvaging a wrecked relationship or the opposite sex. What's the big deal afterall. My ex did comment, 'You have so much dignity that it almost borders arrogance.' Not a bad thing afterall.

******

Later in the evening, A asked me, 'hey you still with your bf ah?'

'No, we moved on our separate ways after the double maths paper but recently I got hooked on a player who never did have feelings for me. But no big deal.'

A replied, 'You look strong..'

'No, whoever who said that time will heal is bullshit. Time will not heal. The scars will always be there. But God's love and grace is amazing.'

A looked at me, 'Why didn't you go to church?'

'Faith comes from the heart..'

***

Good. This reflects back on my walk with God. No, I am not ready to talk about my faith but I told God many times in prayer, 'God, if it's Your will for me to go back to church, find me a church and open a way for me.'

***

Back to the issue of being a woman, I decide to refer back to the Holy Book for answers.

Genesis 2
18
The LORD God said: "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a suitable partner for him."
19
So the LORD God formed out of the ground various wild animals and various birds of the air, and he brought them to the man to see what he would call them; whatever the man called each of them would be its name.
20
The man gave names to all the cattle, all the birds of the air, and all the wild animals; but none proved to be the suitable partner for the man.
21
So the LORD God cast a deep sleep on the man, and while he was asleep, he took out one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh.
22
The LORD God then built up into a woman the rib that he had taken from the man. When he brought her to the man,
23
the man said: "This one, at last, is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; This one shall be called 'woman,' for out of 'her man' this one has been taken."
24
That is why a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, and the two of them become one body.
25
The man and his wife were both naked, yet they felt no shame.

So based on the scripture above, the main reason behind creation of woman is to be a partner to man? Does this include serving the man and cleaning after him all the time?

Gathering

2004-06-27T10:35:00.000+08:00

Gathering

Last night ex S5-ers had a gathering at vic's place in conjunction with his birthday! Had lots of fun and if we did scream loud enough, we apologise for terrorising the residents of Bukit Jelutong! It has been really long since I laughed so hard. Thanks Vic for organising and CS for the ride home!

Bo Kia Si

2004-06-27T10:11:00.000+08:00

Bo Kia Si

Going to have my Summative II in 27 hours time and I am still kicking around here. The strange thing is, I fear not. 'Bo kia si'perhaps. I know I will answer the questions with 'sepenuh hati tetapi separuh persediaan' but my teacher used to tell me that examiners want to know WHAT I KNOW and not how much I know. It's true. Lets hope I survive this small little challenge with the grace of Abba in heaven. Amen! :)

Happy 19th Birthday Meiz

2004-06-26T12:39:00.000+08:00

Happy 19th Birthday Meiz

It's good to catch up with you again after all these years. Could not believe we shared so much memories subconsciously. Wishing you everlasting joy and happiness. May also success be with ou wherever you go. Till we meet again, do take care!

Nah..sexy man... for your amusement.

With love. ;)

Thought of the Day

2004-06-25T11:56:00.000+08:00

Thought of the Day

Men are like pariah dogs; ~~they need to be kept on a leash.~~ Let them go and they'll fuck every bitch in the vicinity -Meiz

This sounds crude but Meiz got it right. It reminds me of jilted women who give their life to marriage but harvest tears, sadness and disappointment in return. What's the worth?

Another example would be the wife of Hanif Basree who stood by him throughout his trial. Ironical isn't it when she's taking care of their children at home while he's busy squirting semen into another woman's vagina. What's the price of marriage? Sex minus self-mastery? No I am not judging here but pondering upon the holiness of matrimony. How should a woman feel in 'sharing' her husband with commercial sex workers? Yes, true enough that marriage is not about sex as there's more to it but there it's talking about trust.

Sigh. I think I should stop pondering about this n that n this n that n go back to my dull lecture notes.

Broken Things

2004-06-25T11:44:00.000+08:00

Broken Things
by Julie Miller

You can have my heart
But it isn't new
It's been used and broken
And only comes in blue

It's been down a long road
And it got dirty on the way
If I give it to you will you make it clean
And wash the pain away

You can have my heart
If you don't mind broken things
You can have my heart if you don't mind these tears
Well I heard that you make old things new
So I give these pieces all to you
If you want it you can have my heart

So beyond repair
Nothing I could do
I tried to fix it myself
But it was only worse when I got through

Then you walked right into my darkness
And you speak words so sweet
And you hold me like a child
Till my frozen tears fall at your feet

You can have my heart
If you don't mind broken things
You can have my heart if you don't mind these tears
Well I heard that you make old things new
So I give these pieces all to you
If you want it you can have my heart

Dreamer

2004-06-23T18:39:00.000+08:00

Dreamer

People say that Pisceans are usually dreamers and I think it's true.. (to a certain extend).. I enjoy reading 'About Pisces' write up because it somehow reminds me of myself. Some people may think of such beliefs as bullshit but people believe in what they choose to believe in. Whenever I am down, I will drown myself into my dream world. It's really gratifying. I think I better stop describing in case someone thinks I need professional help.

Anyway, I always dream of running a charitable organisation which involves in trading consumer goods such as detergents, toiletries, dairy goods, dried goods, paper products, etc. It works like any other companies except that all profit would go to charity. Don't get me wrong; it's not 100% voluntary based thing. It operates just like any other companies except that all profit will go to charity instead of share holders. In a way, the consumers can contribute indirectly to charity by purchasing any of the household products. It's really nice. At least we know that the profit will channel to people who need them. It's rather pathetic seeing advertisements by giant companies which goes, 'For every purchase of RM 100, 10% will go to blah blah blah).. Sounds more like a marketing scheme to me. Oh yeah, there would be no discrimination against ex criminals too. It's one organisation that welcomes them with open hands if they are longing for a second chance in life. Sometimes it's really sad to see the society stigamtizes ex criminals/drug users simply because of their background. People make mistakes in life. I do too, some big some small some shouldnt have happened but to err is human. God give me many 'second-chance' and I wish I could be in the position to give them as well.

People are getting richer by the day; yet there are many people suffering out there. As much as the society wishes to help, being humans, there's only so much they can do. According to MAA's recently donation drive, it would cost up to RM 4000 a month for a patient to undergo dialysis. It's sad to see how people are denied of healthcare services simply because they belong to a lower income group. Sigh. The only thing that remains the same is everything changes. However, I hope I still hold on to my same beliefs - yesterday, today and tomorrow. I just want to play the subordiante role in life. IQ isn't everything. Even Einstein believed that only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile. Life is really beautiful. :)

Richard Clayderman

2004-06-23T18:25:00.000+08:00

Richard Clayderman

Yes. He'll be performing in Genting Arena of Stars on 17 July 2004. Why must all the nice concerts be held in the City of Entertainment? Sigh. Means we still have to fork out some moolah for the accomodation. The First World Hotel package is going for RM 257.20 which includes two tickets (cheapest seating I supposed) though. I missed Sarah Brightman's Harem World Tour concert due to S-eleven constraint...Sobs sobs. *kicks the wall* .... *KICKS KICKS KICKS*...

Reconstruction

2004-06-23T18:20:00.000+08:00

Reconstruction

I am starting to hate how my blog looks like. Going to reconstruct after EOS.
Talking about EOS, I am so dead. *cries*

Too Tired

2004-06-23T18:14:00.000+08:00

Too Tired

I am mentally exhausted. All I want to do is ZZzzz and never wake up again.

Sick

2004-06-21T16:26:00.000+08:00

Sick

STDs and AIDS sound good for this guy..whoever he is..
http://mto68my.blogspot.com/

Western Food

2004-06-20T11:25:00.000+08:00

Western Food

Last Friday, skipped dinner and was craving for western food towards the night.

Me: Eh, lets go makan western food.

MS: Come lah..lets go lets go.. what you wan makan?

Pork chop!! OINK OINK CHOP!!!

I no eat pork.. I wan moo moo chop can ah!?!?!?

!&(@#&!@#&!@#!!!

Then chicken chop call what?

CUCKOO CHOP LAH!!! (read: KUKU CHOP!)

At the shop

OI, faster go tell the man you want cuckoo chop!!!!

)!@&#(!&@#!#!!!!

My stupid brain getting more lame by the day!! YipeeeeE!!!

If I Can Dream

2004-06-20T11:20:00.000+08:00

If I Can Dream
by Elvis Presley; lyrics courtesy of http://www.lyrics-site.net

Come~ Go DL this and lets sing along! Yipeeeee

There must be lights burning brighter somewhere
Got to be birds flying higher in a sky more blue
If I can dream of a better land
Where all my brothers walk hand in hand
Tell me why, oh why, oh why can’t my dream come true

There must be peace and understanding sometime
Strong winds of promise that will blow away
All the doubt and fear
If I can dream of a warmer sun
Where hope keeps shining on everyone
Tell me why, oh why, oh why won’t that sun appear

We’re lost in a cloud
With too much rain
We’re trapped in a world
That’s troubled with pain
But as long as a man
Has the strength to dream
He can redeem his soul and fly

Deep in my heart there’s a trembling question
Still I am sure that the answer gonna come somehow
Out there in the dark, there’s a beckoning candle
And while I can think, while I can talk
While I can stand, while I can walk
While I can dream, please let my dream
Come true, right now
Let it come true right now
Oh yeah

OF <-> ME

2004-06-20T11:05:00.000+08:00

OF <-> ME

OF
S ubstanceless
A nd
D ull

ME
S akai
A nd
D umdum

See the corelation?

What can you deduce from that?

SAD isn't it?

[OF: Oriental Feathers ME: Me]

Advert

2004-06-20T10:52:00.000+08:00

Advert

Anyone seen this before? First time for me! UGLY UGLY UGLY!!!

Source: http://www.peta.de

and PETA stands for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals

OTC

2004-06-20T10:26:00.000+08:00

OTC - Otak Tak Center

1. 8 more days to Hell

2. Not that I am prepared; but I've tried.

3. YODA says, "Do or do not. There's no try!"

4. Fine. I am stupid then. Excrete > Absorp

5. Solution to my stupidity.

6. Is 5. doesn't work, try this!

7. Can I ponteng lecture next week?

High

2004-06-18T23:37:00.000+08:00

High

I am high.
No. Not sexually 'high'. I am feeling so bloody hot.
No idea how many panadols I have swallowed. <8 I hope.
I am happy!
I think I've gone crazy.
Thanks MS/WL/KC
I've not laughed so much.
Thank you for allowing me to be myself.
I need to study. S
Summative is just around the corner.
Apart from making fun of the male repo, I know nuts.
But I am suffering from abdominal pain. My eyes are tired!
No. It's all in my head. I can do it. I am not suffering from fatigue.
I need to sleep. But no. I can't.
Do or do not. There's no try.
LSD? Yes? No?

* ........*

SMS!

2004-06-14T16:31:00.000+08:00

SMS

Everyday, I would get funny sms telling about clubs/djs and what not. Not forgetting RM blah blah blah for bottle of crap stuff..

Just received another one just now.

'Get read 4 a hot M7F1 week in KL! D M7 stimulators (yeah, the only stimulator I need now is clitoris stimulator *sarcasm*) r now @ Thai Club, Jln P. Ramlee. Race 4 d fastest time and win great M7F1 prizes. 13 - 17 June 7pm onwards'

Not that I have great number of people reading my blog; but just for eggs.

Oh yeah, SAH-LEM thinks I am hell a great smoker smoking my way to hell. In fact, they sent me a Recharge Card two weeks ago with my full name and IC number printed on it. *good* not like I frequent Zuok. Free on Thursdays/RM 32 for Type A DJ + drink/RM 40 for TYPE B DJ + drink. What's in for drink? MILO AIS?..

Marlboro anyone?

Cheers!

Elective Posting

2004-06-14T16:17:00.000+08:00

Elective Posting

Yes. At this hour, my butt should be sealed to the chair and I should be trying hard to make the best out whatever I am left with. 14 more days to Summative Two. *SIGH* But what the hell am I doing here? Sigh (again).

This morning, my elective leader passed me a template for the elective posting application letter. *FINALLY* When she told me that I needed to get the reply back to her by end of this month, my eyes almost popped out. Anyway, thank God that I am not the only 'weirdo' around doin Women Studies for my electives (provided I pass my EOS). A couple of girls (obviously. yes no?) are doing it as well. Yipeee.

My objectives are pretty pelik (especially the last one) but...... *smiles ear to ear*

a)Understand the roles of AWAM in the society and how it reaches to the public
b)Identify problems faced by women in Malaysia and its causes
c)Evaluate the severity of gender oppression and discrimination in Malaysia
d)Assess effective short tem and long term plans (as solutions) in dealing with problems faced by women in the society
e)Understand the law and rights of women in Malaysia in protecting them (including the flaws, if any)
f)Understand the roles of all women (regardless of socioeconomic background) in women development.
g)Appreciate women just the way they are.

Well, finally finished composing my letter. Thanks WL!! My OTC no longer knows how to write official letters. Finished composing a three-part email to a tiger (looks like a cat) as well. ...

Touching up my report though.. talking about creative writing.. which i have none.. *shakes head*

ADIOS!! CIA YOU!! GAMBATEEEE!! *close eyes and jump into the river*

Birthday Greetings

2004-06-14T00:10:00.000+08:00

Birthday Greetings
for someone who never did love me and would never read this

Good Health
(especially from CV diseases/COPDs/carcinomas/STDs)

and

TRUE happiness and joy.

I'll always remember you in my prayers.

My Father

2004-06-12T20:35:00.000+08:00

My Father

God answers prayers. He does. Really.
It's either a YES or NO. At times, you might get WAIT for an answer too.
I am happy that April has found a new home,
I trust her well being in God's holy hands.
I thank God for everything, it's His will.
(Including the guy whom I desperately wanted to remove all his seminiferous tubules 2 weeks ago)
Every drop of my tears matters to Him.
I need not question his plans for me.
He has opened a door for me.

I need to get through my EOS.
I want my seat and I don't want to leave.
I miss everyone including people who never did like me.
But most of all, I will miss MY; ever-patient with me.
People in uni are not that bad afterall.
Thank God for helping me to see through.
To accept and appreciate people just the way they are.
I am never a good student, will never be;
I may not be as competitive (read: kiasu) as my peers;
But I am sincere in doing my part
And I surrender the rest to my Father.
Hear me for not what I say; but what I mean.

To all people out there, all the best in whatever you do *mwahsmwahs*
With lotsa love!!

Ecclesiastes, 3:1-3:8

2004-06-12T20:31:00.000+08:00

Ecclesiastes, 3:1-3:8

For everything there is a season,
And a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, And a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate,
A time for war, and a time for peace.

Link

2004-05-26T22:46:00.000+08:00

Link

http://www.celebratelove.com/forgive.htm

Quite good.

Sadness Remains

2004-05-26T20:58:00.000+08:00

Sadness Remains

Was I pretending all this while? I had this in mind for quite sometime but I did not want to blog it - is this part of motivated forgetting? I thought I was okay and could take whatever that was coming my way but I was not that right. I wish I could stop telling myself to forget him every couple of hours. If only I could find relief in crying, I would cry myself to sleep every night. However, my pride would not allow me to shed a single drop of tear for someone who never did care for me; not forgetting the mind games which he played often enough to make me question my self-worth, credibility and inadequacy. Whenever I am all alone and the picture of him comes into my mind, I would tell myself aloud, 'I HATE HIM, I HATE HIM' and followed by some evil laughter. After laughing, I will feel strange and question myself, 'Is that a stepping stone to mental illness?'

"because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone
these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase"

I would be lying if I said I didn't feel sad, disappointed and depressed over the tragic ending. Somehow, one part of me would not allow me to show it or even mention it ever again. (Not that it matters but it's affecting me and hiding under some carpet wouldn't help). I tried to drown myself with positive thoughts and words of encouragement day by day but they don't seem to help. Why? Why is there the emotional attachment (if any)? Why? Emotional attachment is the only way of making me unhappy, isn't it? Or was it expectations? If things can be so simple like how I perceive them to be, there's no reason for me to feel the way I am feeling. Why should I be feeling this way when he is enjoying every single second of his life? It's not about competition. It's not about that. There's no reason for me to question myself. Am I being super defensive? Do I need an emotional shield to protect my broken heart? Was it my mistake of trusting someone too easily? Was it my mistake to put hope and faith in someone who doesn't even deserve it? I didn't ask for this as it came without me knowing. I didn't even have a slight thought of it. I never did dream of this.

Only God knows how I feel and the only way for me to set myself free is through forgiveness as it is the greatest healer of all. How could I bring myself to forgive him when I am not even angry with him in the first place? What is forgiveness then? My Lord, help me, hear my cries, hear my plea, hear me O Lord, abandon me not, open a door for me and lead me back to Light, I pray.. O Lord, dare not I ask for life to be easier but You are my source of strength and give me the faith to face and presevere whatever challenges and obstacles that may come my way......

my immortal

2004-05-25T14:59:00.000+08:00

my immortal

my immortal
i'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears
and if you have to leave
i wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
and though you're still with me
i've been alone all along

© 2003 Wind-Up Records

It's All in the Mind

2004-05-25T12:56:00.000+08:00

It's All in the Mind

Lately, I've been telling that to myself very consistently. Do you call that 'living in denial?' Anyway, it keeps me going. Two years ago, I almost fainted in school but I could not stop telling myself, 'It's all in the mind..' x 100 times and I recovered. However, my ghostly figure did make someone pee in her undies. *laughs*

This morning, Ms ZB gave a lecture on Memory but don't ask me what was it all about. I don't know except for the part Motivated Forgetting.
The Motivated Forgetting Theory suggests that people forget things because they do not want to remember them or for a certain reason.

Sigh. Enough. I don't even know what I want to convey in this blog but psychology is a very interesting subject. If I am asked to leave the course, I am doing that.

Waiting for Nothing

2004-05-23T22:11:00.000+08:00

Waiting for Nothing

I've been wanting to watch Bolehman in Bolehland (BIB) for quite some time.
On Wednesday night, someone invited me for it but I declined because I was so worried about my Summative One results. However, I told myself, 'Well, go on Thursday night if you pass your summative as a reward for yourself.'

Then, la la la la

And, I thought I could go this afternoon.

Then, la la la la. Thanks to imaginary someone. (As I was about to type something nasty about imaginary someone, I saw a flash of white stuff outside the door. Just told myself that my eyes are very tired and I am hallucinating as there's no such thing.(?) I am stronger than who I think I am. If that's true, why did I backspace to delete the 'threat'? in the first place. Argh. Maybe I realised that I've been challenging something that I can't even clarify its existence since morning and more 'dares' from me would not bring me good but harm. Well, if it's real, then channel it to me instead of my mum. I'll treat it as a desensitization process. *laughs*)

And, no more BIB liao.. *sobs**sobs* I WANT BIB I WANT BIB!!!!

Fight Fight Fight

2004-05-23T21:52:00.000+08:00

Fight Fight Fight

Don't bother asking me what the title is all about. All I know is fight fight fight. I am so tired. All I want to do is sleep sleep sleep but I know I can't. I still have this and that to do. *screamsssss* I know I should not be blogging but I need an outlet to ....*screaaaaaammmmm* Ah...

Should I believe what my mother said this morning? Is there such thing?

Yesterday .. after u guys went back..dunno hu breathe so loud at my backkkk (she was sleeping sideways facing the right)...use the pillow whack whack whack also no usee...the fella must be angry lah.. i sleep on his/her bed..BUGGER man!!!

Then, the doctor came in with the usual 'hello-howareyoufeelingtoday-blahblahblah-' (read: = > $$).And my mother replied him with the same story (including the BUGGER part).
He looked at my father in disbelief and said, 'I don't quite get her. Anyway, she must be recovering liao lah since she can scold people. I think tomorrow can go back liao lah..'

I was so amazed with what he said. More like I was so amazed to see him on a Sunday. Jokingly I told my parents that he must be quite pathetic because I noticed that he was wearing the same shirt for three days. Maybe he bought many of the same shirt. Ok ok, nonsense aside. I still don't quite like what I heard. Is mum hallucinating? There surely has to be an explanation for this isn't it? It's like how people explain sleep paralysis and stuff like that. Is she listening to her own breathing or what? Anyway, dad was not happy either and he requested for a change in room.

To be honest with you guys, I was very appalled with the rude behaviour of some nurses at Slow Joes. Unprofessional, unethical and uncommitted. My family concluded, NO MORE SLOW JOES MEDICAL CENTRE! On the very first day itself, she did not get a bed until 2pm (3 hours after time of admission). Wonderful isn't it?

For the past few days, we found that mum's medication was very inconsistent. The nurses didn't even bother to ensure that mum takes her medication. Dad was very unhappy when he saw one tablet of Losec lying around. Losec wasn't so serious because it was just to counteract the side effects of some other drugs but that's not the issue anyway. So he went to the nurses station and 'hantam' them. 'Ohhh..patient say she will take mahhhh..so we ma put there lorrrrrrr...' Oh dear.. what if the patient decides to flush it down the toilet bowl? Dad was arguing with them about the half life of medicines and stuff like that. Dangerous for patients with diabetes, hypertension and blah blah. The poor deputy had to apologise each time she saw my dad. Ten years ago, my late grandma was admitted to University Hospital (PPUM now) and the nurses were more knowledgeable and efficient compared to this young cikus. At least, they will ensure that you finish your medicine before moving away.

Fine fine. Dad went for his classes after lunch while I accompanied mum with newspapers accompanying me. Then came in a bunch of ding dong nurses. One of them commented 'eh drip finish liao.' Politely, I reminded them, 'Not too worry, Dr X said that my mother can go off the drip once this one finishes since she has been eating well.' Ding dong nurse number two (super young bitch..SYB)snapped at me, 'yeah kaaaa? dr never say anything like that also..got ahhh' and gave me her wannabe look. Fine fine. I took a step back and ignored her. It's just a waste of time explaining things to ding dongs. Anyway, it's the mistake of the nurse who followed Dr X around. She should have noted that on the nursing chart. She must be waiting too hard for her chance to get laid I presume. *angry angry angry*

Thirty minutes later SYB came in to change the drip (Free fucks for every drip she changes). 'EXCUSSS!!!!' Quickly, I stood from the chair. While she was getting her free fucks, I was thinking to myself - her 'excusssss' was so not a polite 'excussss' but for the sake of asking me to get lost.. shouldn't it be, 'Excuse me miss. I would like to change the drip, may I?' or something like that? Nevermind. Not in the mood to hantam people.

After mum's admission, she had difficulties walking. Not because her muscles are weak but she just could not balance herself. She became light intolerant as well. Before she was admitted, she was still mobile despite having high BP. Too much medication or psychological distress?

Anyway thanks guys. Thanks for the concern! ;)

I Miss Mum

2004-05-21T23:07:00.000+08:00

I Miss Mum

I miss her. I should have stayed overnight in the H instead of coming back home. I am tired but I don't want to sleep either. I don't want to have nightmares. Just hope that mum would sleep well. :(

I'm Going to Collapse

2004-05-21T22:31:00.000+08:00

I'm Going to Collapse

I really feel like collapsing. My heart is pounding so fast and I've no idea why. I've been rushing everywhere today.

This morning, I refused to wake up. I thought of skipping lecture too. Changing family roles when it comes to illness? Bingo. Dad tried to wake me up this morning. (Failed anyway. Only mum is able to piss me well enough to make me get out from bed) Then he did laundry. Then he cleaned the house. He even prepared breakfast for me. I was so shocked. (Mum never did prepare breakfast for me. So he got it wrong there)

This morning, I took the back road to uni because I didn't feel like driving at 90km/h on Kesas. To my surprise, the 'jalan belakang' was slightly congested. Why why why? There was an accident. I was chasing for time and everyone was slowing down for eggs. 4D number perhaps. !&(@#!&@#!@#. After lecture, I was trying to locate Dr HL to bring forward my Int. Review but failed. wanted to find Ms ZB but she wasn't around. Found GM but he couldn't help me because he had to do his Friday prayers. Later, Prof MH did the review for me. I didn't know why but I could not stop the panting which was pretty embarrassing. Neuroticism perhaps. It was already 1:xx pm and I needed to get home to get my laundry done. Realised that I forgot to bring my house keys when I was in front of my house. Shit happens. Arghhhhh!!!! Headed to Slow Joes MC to see my mother with Ms Gegula.

Today, mum was really different. Dad told me that her pressure shot up to 190/110 this morning. She vomitted everything she ate. She could not move about (like she did yesterday). She was so weak and tired. She could not even balance herself and walk. She could not even fight with me verbally. She did not have the appetite to eat. She still thinks that I am not done with her for selling April away. I was a jack@$$. Suggested the bedpan to her and not knowing the correct method to use it, I caused more problems for the nurses instead of helping them. Mum 'shoo-ed' us back after that.

Went to C4 to pick up some things for her. Rushed home to make her some celery + apple juice. Cooked some plain porridge as well. Thought it might be easier for her to eat. ;(( An hour later, rushed back to the H with dad after collecting the grapes from Ms Gegula. (Thank you girl).. Not that Mum was any better but she finished one bowl of plain porridge though. Two cups of celery juice as well. The food there is pathetic. I've been seeing the same dishes for the past 3 meals. Yesterday's dinner, today's lunch and dinner. The ECG report came back to be normal. (dad's relief for now) ..and it was found that her glucose and cholesterol level was high. Celebrex was removed from her medication because it was suspected to be the cause of her vomitting. Doc did ask, 'Does she worry alot?' Immediately, I answered, YES..signs of depression but dad was sort of defensive..he replied, 'it's normal for women after menopause..' instead. (Forget it. Men would never understand women emotionally) Jokingly, I asked the doctor to add prozac to her list of medication.. (in hope that I can use it too..)

I was fighting with dad telling him that depression is a common thing. I told him that I suffer from depression too. Mum interrupted, 'Yes i know. I know you are depressed about the dog!' Oh !@*)#!@#!! The dog again. Argh..I know that menopausal is one of the contributing factors of depression but but...!@&#!@#!!! Nevermind. There's no way for me to challenge dad, someone who sells HRT for the past two decades. Sigh. I really hope that mum would recover soon. I really miss fighting with her. I don't think I should stay there anymore as home is just 15 minutes drive from uni.

I'm Tired

2004-05-21T22:29:00.000+08:00

I'm Tired

Yesterday, my father tried to reach me but failed.
Thinking that it was nothing serious, I did not return his call.

Later, I received a message, 'Mum was admitted into the hospital for uncontrolled hypertension. Doc wants to monitor her for 1-2 days.'

I was shocked and stunned. I thought of not going to see her since it was only for 1-2 days. But my conscience would not allow me to; so I packed my stuff and headed to Slow Joes Medical Centre. I don't believe it. How can her pressure shoot up to 180/100. It just doesnt make sense.

For the past one week, I have not been talking to her. I was very angry and disappointed with both of my old folks. How could mum sold April off without even discussing it with me? I still could not accept the fact that I did not get the chance to kiss my dear April goodbye. I didn't want to argue, I didn't want to fight. I was so depressed and silence was golden. For the first few nights, I went to bed crying thinking of April's fate. Is she happy? Is she eating well? Does she miss me? I felt powerless. So powerless that I could not claim ownership of April. I felt that the 'Mum's having severe headache with April. She can't manage her anymore,' was a big lie. I was so stubborn that I refused to accept any explanation by any of my old folks. (Not like they did owe me any but I just could not care more. I was so helpless) April is an unusual pup. She's smart and she knows what she wants. But I had no idea why she didn't like mum (the person who feeds her 3x a day) ... I don't understand ...

Was yours truly the cause of mum's high blood pressure? Was yours truly the reason mum's admission into the hospital? Was she so worried that I would not talk to her again? Did she really buy my words that I don't want to go home anymore?

Mum was complaining, 'haaaaihh... doc say i okay liao. . tomorrow can go back liaoooo.. waste money only stay one night...' (yeah right.. first she wants to challenge medication.. now she wants to proclaim herself as a doctor..) Then she pointed at the IV drip and commented, 'aiyaa..dunno put this for what... you know or not.. sooooo painfullll when the nurse poke it in'I am a bitch. All I could say was, 'yeahhh.. got medicine dun wan take.. next time act smart somemore lahhhh.. the lady next to you 75 yrs old liao still remember to take her pills daily.. not one or two but TWENTY!! look at you laaa..' She gave me her standard reply, 'die ma die lah.. i am ready to got..it's something sooner or later what..' I chose to remain silent because I did not want to end up in a fight with her in the hospital.

I feel uncomfortable in encouraging my mum in all aspects. I feel strange of having to remind my mum to take her medication. Not that she listens but I am still too young for all that. Throughout my 19 years of life, I sort of grew up on my own without having much supervision from my parents. When she finally had the chance to play her role as a mother, I was bitchy enough not to open the door for her. Sigh.

***

She stood up and walked to the bathroom. Not long after she came back, she asked me, 'heyy..how come got blood in the tube wan!?!??!' I checked with the nurse and she told me that it was normal if she did stand up and walk about. One hour later, a quarter of the tube was filled with blood. Out of no where, she wanted to take a bath. I asked the nurse for permission and she gave me the green light. Try helping someone to undress and bathe with the IV drip. It was a challenge for me. Later, the nurse had to change the tube because it was so bloody. As she was resting, she was coughing so badly and the nurses had to come in to change her bed sheet. It was Dad who suggested Lisinopril 10 mg (ACE inhibitor) to the doctor and coughing is one of its side effect. *sigh*

Fell flat on my bed after reaching home.

Sick

2004-05-20T14:12:00.000+08:00

Sick

I've not read the papers for ages. It's nothing but bad news and more bad news.

Shocking case of abused Indon maid

The plight of 19-year-old Nirmala Bonet came to light after a condominium guard saw her sitting and crying on a staircase, with ugly bruises all over her swollen face and bleeding from the head and mouth on Monday afternoon.

He called police, who were shocked to find that her whole body, including her breasts and back, was severely burnt and scalded.

...............

She said she had many opportunities to escape but did not know where or whom to seek help from.

.............

“She took the iron out of my hand and pressed it against my breasts,” said Nirmala.

Source: http://thestar.com.my/news/nastory.asp?file=/2004/5/20/nation/8016283&sec=nation

Maids are humans too. They have feelings, emotions and needs to be fulfilled. Emplyoing a maid (read: DOMESTIC HELPER!!!!) does not give you any right to abuse them. They are children of people; they have parents and families and who are you to claim that you own them? This is a sick world. It is high time that domestic helpers receive proper education (before employment) on where/how/who they can seek help from in case of any abuse. I don't even want to picture another person (read: woman) pressing an iron against my breasts. !@(&#!@(&#!&@#(!&#@&!#&@(!#&@!(&#@&!#@(&!&#@(&!@#

People

2004-05-19T20:52:00.000+08:00

People

People change with time. Everyday, our character is moulded into different ways by the experience and challenges we face. Do you know who a person really is? Do you know who you are?

Yesterday, I was having a late dinner with a friend whom I've not seen for ages. Maybe close to half a decade perhaps. He told me, 'You keep alot of things to yourself don't you?' A moment ago, a good friend of mine said the same thing too. 'I cannot help you if you keep everything to yourself.'

I thought I was otherwise. Maybe past experiences wouldn't allow me to trust people so easily anymore. Maybe the emotional trauma that I once went through no longer allow me to open up so easily to people anymore. Maybe this and maybe that.

Generally, people don't care. It is not easy for everyone to accept a person unconditionally. There are also people who can't seem to understand the meaning of respect. Voltaire once quoted, 'I may not agree with what you said but I shall defend till death your right to say it.' Do people respect the right of others to be different? Do we always have to conform to social norms and expectations of others? I am quite sick of the usual 'thy greater than thou' attitude of some people.

Being overly sensitive, I have no choice but to take a step back when it comes to social grounds. I had given up the days of having great network of friends but little when it comes to the quality of friendship. Those who know me well will understand me for who I am and the things I do. As I grow older, I no longer see the need of having to explain myself. And that's how you get misunderstood for many things but I just couldn't be bothered. I used to confront things in an open manner but I prefer the silent approach these days. Depression does not exactly allow me to be friendly and the ciggies isn't doing my brain any good either.

Most Men Are Bastads (Day Four)

2004-05-19T16:05:00.000+08:00

Most Men Are Bastards (Day Four)

It feels good. MEN ARE BASTARDS!!!

Hang Me

2004-05-19T15:45:00.002+08:00

Hang Me

The graph for Summative One is OUT.
114 A
34 A-
blah blah blah
1 D-
and 1 F...

OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK!!

I know I did badly for the paper (read: I went into the exam hall without studying ..*sobs**sobs*) and I deserve the Fucking F.
But F is <35 but but.. I know I did badly but not that bad.

And you know what is the best part? I can't get my results until 10.30 a.m. tomorrow from my tutor. !@&#!&@(#&!@&#!&@#(!&@#!(@#!&@#&(!!!

So this leaves me with 18 hours and 30 minutes of anticipation.

ARGH!(&#@!(#&!@(&#!&@(#&!@&#!(@&#(!@&#!(&#@(&!#@!#! again.

Damn. I AM SCREWEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!! S C R E W E D!

My Funeral

2004-05-16T21:50:00.000+08:00

My Funeral

If I die earlier than I should, do send me flowers. They are really beautiful. One example would be:
http://www.bloomingflorist.com/product.asp?id=34522

This is not too bad too. It looks good on my casket.
http://www.bloomingflorist.com/product.asp?id=34937

By the way, I know this is strange but I have yet to see a white coffin in Malaysia. I would really like to utilise one you know. Our Asian casket makers suck big time. No yellow cloth as the interior furnishing please. It sucks. White is good.

Same goes for the people who make paper clothings/houses and whatsoever. Do they have an idea which century are we living in? I can make better paper clothes. Such an insult to the dead who died young. They are not going to wear sarungs for goodness sake.

If there's life after death, I am not going to stay in that stupid looking house with two 'ah sams' as my servants. Give me a nicer house with mirror overlooking my bed. Don't bother burning me a vibrator or even think of getting me a weeny peeny toy boy. That is such an insult. Trust me, I'll haunt you. Oh yeah, I need Implanon as well. If you don't, how am I to get an abortion?

Oh yeah. In case you are thinking of burning me a car, I need fuel too. How is the car supposed to move without fuel? Don't try to con me into those stupid solar panels. I might be dead but not stupid yet. Last thing, take out that 'Hell East/West' Road Tax for goodness sake ... unless you want to be there with me.

Most Men Are Bastards!

2004-05-16T12:06:00.000+08:00

Most Men Are Bastards

"Most men are bastards... they’ll knock you up, wear you out and bring you down! Then they’ll come and pay me 150$ an hour at the strip club and beg me to sleep with them, while your at home breastfeeding little Johnny! (Not all men, so don’t get your panties up in a bunch…"

Source: http://www.parasite.tv/freearchives/free5_stripped.html

I find this really funny. I don't know why. Bastards bastards bastards!
Most men I know are bastards anyway! Maybe there are few who still yet to show the power of bastardism or they must be really gay. Transvestite perhaps?

No Big Deal

2004-05-16T11:30:00.000+08:00

No Big Deal

My pride wouldn't allow me to apologise but I finally did.
God has taken too much from me and next, I hope is my life.

Inter Religious Forum (IRF): Cohabitation & Premarital Sex - Is Religion Outdated?

2004-05-14T19:19:00.000+08:00

Inter Religious Forum (IRF): Cohabitation & Premarital Sex - Is Religion Outdated?

It was a very good event organised by the IMU and I have no regrets attending it last night. Somehow, I strongly agree with Prof Ong Kok Hai that another panelist (someone neutral; from the NGO perhaps) should also be invited to this forum. The panelists were Mr Bruno Pereira, Dr Harlina Halizah and Mr. Vijaya Samarawickrama. They were really good at conveying their points. Rationalism was there and they were far from those 'thy greater than thou fanatics' (read: people who try to show off their higher degree of religiosity). Anyhow, it was an interesting topic but 90 minutes was too short per se.

Cohabitation
The practice of where two people, male and female live together by sharing a household as male-female couple without being legally married
Premarital Sex

Voluntary sexual intercourse between individuals who are NOT legally married to each other

After attending this forum, I was made to realise again that religion did not exist to forbid us from everything. I was benefited in many ways from the three panelists especially Mr Vijaya. Premarital sex is not wrong per se if it's not all about lust and pleasure. It is not wrong too if a couple can bear the consequences of cohabitation or PMS, if such complications ever arise. However, it is wrong if someone feels used, abused, or hurt from it. It's all about commitment and responsibility. Raging hormones are not accepted in this case. He talked about The Five Precepts - No killing, no stealing, no sexual misconduct, no lying, no taking intoxicants. I really want to hear more from this guy. Every religion teaches its followers to be good.

I agree with Dr Harlinda as well that men and women are made to be totally different (If I am not mistaken, she cited this from the Quran). The differences are meant to compliment each other. I like the way how she portrayed the beauty of love making between married couples despite not being able to describe it. It sounded so much better. Better than thousand times of breathless fucks per se. She said that marriage is a gamble. A gamble which we can win. Being a pessimist in this aspect, I don't think I would buy that. It takes two hands to clap. No. Don't get me wrong. I believe in the holiness of matrimony. I see all beauty in a monogamous relationship/marriage. But what can you do if your partner has a change of heart? You can't do anything. Anyway, I am glad that she is happily married with four children. Not everyone is so lucky.

Thanks to Mr Bruno for reminding us the co-relation between religion and self-mastery/self-control. The only difference between us and animals is self-control. We do have our freedom until we choose to abuse it and become slaves to it. It's so true. Instand noodle. Instant coffee. Instant hair cut. Instant lust. Instant pleasure. Instant sex. Celibacy anyone? Ha-ha-ha. I am always at dilemma - not knowing which to listen to; my head or my feelings or my emotions. THE INTEGRATION! Yes. I am bad at integrating anything. Mr Bruno was right. We need to integrate all our thoughts, rationalism and emotions. I like how he treats religion. Something which needs self-discipline and self-control.

Thanks to 'Zee' from Sem 4 for hilighting some provocative issue on married couple's frustrated sex life or partners who can't perform during the Q and A. Win-win situation of having premarital sex or multiple sex partners. OH MI GAWD. Anyone supports one night stand here? NO. Not me. I can't go to bed/intimate with someone with no emotional attachment but just for the sake of happily being fucked. I don't mean to be bad. I don't even want to judge. But he sounded like a selfish arrogant @#&(!@(#&!@#!@#!@# who cares nothing more than his sexual gratification. Poor females. A female is just a female afterall. Whatever she does is usually govern by love and emotions most of the time. Something the opposite sex does not see/value.

*sigh* Life goes on!

Strange

2004-05-13T14:47:00.000+08:00

Strange

Firstly, million thanks to Yee Pei http://yeepei.blogspot.com (Thousand apologies for the linking problem as I am still waiting for a miracle to happen) for linking me to her blog under medpeepz. Thanks to her again; otherwise I wouldn't be 'blogrolled' in MMR http://www.medicine.com.my .

It gives me a strange feeling. I can't help but to tell myself, 'Eh.. your blog contains no medical elements/discoveries (but F.O.S [no.. not Factory Outlet Store but Full Of Shit]) and you still get categorised under the med people..you better be paiseh man...' OR perhaps 'Why don't you start blogging something more educational?' Is that part of inferiority complex? *nevermind*

It's pretty rare for me to tell people what I am studying. It's rare for me to tell people that I am a medical student as well. I feel like a junkie in university. Maybe because I am not good enough compared to others. Maybe because I am just a mediocre child. Maybe because my aura not 'powderful' enough? Maybe this and maybe that. No no. Don't get me wrong. I went through the formal process of application and admission like everyone did (I hope). No strings pulling and stuff like that.

It's strange too. As I did not put any hit counter in this site, I have no idea how many people visits this blog on a daily basis; not forgetting WHO are they as well. That's the fun part of blogging isn't it? At times, it could be quite freaky too. As much as freedom of speech is concern, it's not that 'free' afterall...

*HOT**HOT**HOT*

Hypersomnia

2004-05-13T11:48:00.000+08:00

Hypersomnia

Despite being physically unfit (in certain ways), I finally realised that I suffer from other (read: many) mental disorders. Apart from retail therapy, depression, I suffer from hypersomnia as well. I don't think I need therapy for the moment. Frankly speaking, I never did realise the existence of such disorder. People usually suffer from insomnia and how often do you hear about hypersomnia? (Perhaps, it's high time that I should read more FACTUAL articles instead of autobiographies which serve no purpose in my course of study)

Okay. Let's see what hypersomnia is all about.

Hypersomnia
Hypersomnia means excessive sleepiness. There are many different causes, the most common in our society being inadequate sleep. This may be due to shift work, family demands (such as a new baby), study or social life. Other causes include sleep disorders, medication and medical and psychiatric illnesses. Hypersomnia can be helped or cured with a few adjustments to lifestyle habits. However, seek advice from your doctor or sleep disorder clinic if you still feel excessively sleepy. Source: http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/Hypersomnia?OpenDocument

Sigh. Do we have a 'sleep disorder clinic' here?

Characteristics of hypersomnia
The characteristics of hypersomnia vary from one person to the next, depending on their age, lifestyle and any underlying causes. In extreme cases, a person with hypersomnia might sleep soundly at night for 12 hours or more, but still feel the need to nap during the day. Sleeping and napping may not help; the mind remains foggy with drowsiness. It is possible that a person has very disturbed sleep but is not aware of it. Source: http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/Hypersomnia?OpenDocument

No wonder I can't find time to study. No wonder this and no wonder that. *must do something must do something**sigh* oh gawddd.. help me!!!!

Symptoms
Depending on the cause, the symptoms of hypersomnia may include:

Feeling unusually tired all the time. ---> YES Would supplements help?
The need for daytime naps. ---> YES Trying really hard not to.
Feeling drowsy, despite sleeping and napping. ---> YES All the time.
Difficulty thinking and making decisions: the mind feels 'foggy'. YES
Apathy. YES
Memory or concentration difficulties.YES No wonder I still can't get anything into my head after reading for 1000000000 times.
An increased risk of accidents, especially motor vehicle accidents. YES
Yes. I just had them last week.
Source: As above

Oh mi gawd... JACKPOT. I scored 7 out of 7 from all the symptoms. Sigh. I don't feel like reading anymore. I'll just stop here. Feel like going back to take a nap. Sigh. *sobs**sobs*

Depression

2004-05-12T23:06:00.000+08:00

Depression

I spent almost half of my life suffering from depression. Managed to pick up some left over notes from the previous lecture when I took my seat.

Major Depression
Feeling of intense sadness and despair - YES
1. Mental slowing -> YES
2. Loss of concentration -> YES
3. Pessimistic -> YES
4. Worry -> YES
5. Lack of pleasure -> YES
6. Self-depreciation -> YES
7. Variable agitation -> YES
8. Insomnia -> AT TIMES
9. Hypersomia -> YES YES YES
10.Altered eating pattern (i.e Overeating) -> YES
11.As a consequent of factor 10, weight gain -> YES
12.(-) energy (No wonder factor 9 occurs) -> YES
13.Disruption of normal circadium rhythm, body temperature, many endocrine functions -> PERHAPS
14.Risk of suicide -> NOT SO SOON - HAHA

So I need anti depressants. Prozac with fluoxetine perhaps. Never did know that it was a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor. Serotonin sounds familiar. I've read/heard it somewhere before. Must be due to factor 1 above. Sigh! :(

It's difficult for me to cope but somehow my fighting spirit has to take over. I have to admit that I really hate how the way things ended for us. I hate to be the person who pisses him off but I did. I won't curse him or anything. It's just too bad for me. I am in no position to even demand for any explanation. Nevertheless, I wish him well and happiness always. (Not like he needs it but I am sincere. Things would be much better this way). Everything happens for a reason right? *smiles*

I'm Late (Again)

2004-05-12T19:42:00.000+08:00

I'm Late (Again)

I was late for lecture on Monday. Hate to enter lecture halls late. So I skipped the first lecture. Late again for Tuesday. Prepared myself earlier and tried to be early for today. But still late despite the 'hard' work. WHY? WHY? WHY? Because our dear lecturer decided to start ten minutes earlier than scheduled. HOW CAN? Sigh!!

After lecture, our elective coordinator came in. Yes yes, our dear Mr Paul Jambunathan. First thing he said was, 'I read your proposals. Some of you have really WEIRD elective proposals which don't seem to even meet the whole idea of having an elective.' My heart was pumping really fast. 'Shit shit angie.. he's talking about you... yes yes he is...you are so gonna dieeeee.' So much from myself eh?

He continued, 'but since your tutor (internal supervisor) signed it, what more can I say?' Oh dear. My tutor did not even bother to have a second look on it. Immediately he put down his signature and walked away. *sobs**sobs*

Anyway, election for the incoming SRC committee is coming soon and the candidates are busy campaigning every where. Coloured papers which promote themselves flying everywhere. Nicely printed booklets left behind in lecture halls and library pigeon holes. Reminds me of our recent pilihanraya though. Not bad. M103 vs M203. M203 looks really serious - pretty nerdy compared to M103. Anyway, one of the candidate spoke to us. I know he was trying REAL hard to win this election. Is that the cause of him being friendly to everyone at this critical point of time? I wasn't being mean. But I was pretty confident that after the election, he wouldn't even take a second look on us. It's true! Sigh. (Poor angie.. cant even find a decent trust in people nowadays)

Had no idea why I stayed back for the Personal Safety Awareness Campaign. Maybe someone threatened us that it was compulsory? Maybe I just didn't want to go back to the apartment and start thinking rubbish? Anyway, they distributed some informational leaflets. The images were cute though - Will upload it when I have time. The interesting part: THE TALK on prevention methods... which was given by a-pretty-Datuk-housing-developer... The akido demonstration was quite good. One of the guy seem to enjoy his si-fu throwing him around. DSP Cuseu-somethingsomething (no idea how to spell his name) briefed us on everything about police report. He did mention about the 'Potency Test.' During the Q n A session, I badly wanted to know how the Potency Test is conducted. Asked a couple of my male coursemates but none of them willing to ask. DAMN!!!!

Anyway, IRF will be held tomorrow. Topic: Cohabitation and Pre Marital Sex. Not bad huh? I would be attending though. Hopefully, I can get over the shitty thoughts of 'He never had feelings for you in the first place' from my head as soon as possible. Sigh!!!

So What

2004-05-11T18:44:00.000+08:00

So What

So what; If I refused to pick up his call
So what; If I didn't reply his initial sms
So what; If I did pick up his call the following day
So what; If I did say horrible things
So what; If I did try to be rude
So what; If I did make him angry
So what; If I could not see him eye-to-eye anymore
So what; so what
I was never the one. So what.
I am never good enoguh for him. So what.
I am no big deal to him. So what.
He will never care. So what.
He might even say, "Have we started something in the first place?"

Not that I am happy with what I've done but what better options do I have. Only time will heal. And how long, God knows. No wonder he once told me not to try too hard or don't take things too seriously. *laughs* It's so unfair that I am the only one who feels jilted and hurt. Memories of me would just be erased from his head. If only things were that easy for me. *smirked*. No no. This is not the case of misjudgement. But it takes two hands to clap isn't it?

Oh do tell me that "SHE DESERVES IT!" in a your mean-est voice.. Or maybe "SERVES HER RIGHT". I kindda like the beat you know. I know. I know. I have heard enough. Yes Yes. I deserve it. Yes Yes. Serves me right. "I know what I am in for." (Yeah, right. To be honest, I don't.) "IT WOULDN'T WORK OUT" I thought so. But seize the day isn't it? *sobs**sobs*

Angry Someone

2004-05-11T17:49:00.000+08:00

Angry Someone

The girl who sits 5 metres away from me must be really angry. I can hear her 'whacking' the keyboard really really hard. I feel challenged because no one types louder than I do. She looks like she is blogging but I think she's typing an e-mail. What do you think?

Last night, I asked my mother to unplug my power supply cable for my laptop but she ended up unplugging everything - including the neurotic altec speakers my brother set up for me. I did not know how or why but I ended up scolding her stupid for not being able to understand simple instructions. She tried to defend herself and cooled me down by giving me suggestions and solutions. I refused to buy any. I heard her sobbing but being a BITCH, I pretended not to hear anything. Sigh. Upon reflection, it was truly my mistake. I gave her the wrong instruction. It was the far right plug and not the far left plug. No wonder she saw gray cable instead of BLACK. And my ego sucks. It wouldn't allow me to apologise to her. In fact, I never did in my entire life. (ie A proper apology - Dear Mum, I am sorry. blah blah.. that sort)

I don't even know why am I blogging here. Should have went into Auditorium to enjoy the Chinese Singing Competition instead of drowning myself in sorrow.

ICT department is chasing us away.

Sigh!

Dr HYY

2004-05-09T12:27:00.000+08:00

Dr HYY

It was fortunate for us to have Dr HYY as our faci for PBL this round. When she first came in the room, we were really quiet. We tried to 'hide' ourselves at the back. Even Marvin did that! She asked us to introduce ourselves and we did. To my surprise, she remembered everyone's name then. (Will clarify this again after PBL 2) I think she has photographic memory. I was telling myself 'die liao u this time.. die liao.. dun do work somemore u die liao..'

We did our usual way of PBL. After we finished, she interrupted. 'That's it?'

I was shocked. *die liao die liao..sure kena marah liao wan*

Let someone else do the explaination but not me.

*looked down on the floor* ...

Then she introduced her method of PBL. It's quite of the same manner except hers was more graphically done with mind maps and arrows. She is a true believer of 'A Picture Paints A Thousand Words.' My mind was drifting away thinking of ZzZzZzz and out of a sudden, she called me: 'Angeline, where is your input?'
I didn't know what to answer. Just smiled at her and thinking of getting away desperately.

Before she did a post-mortem on the PBL session conducted, she reminded us to buy a box of colour pencils and draw the anatomy of the biliary system for five times.

*angie pengsan liao lor*

Anyway, she deserves all respect and I like this lady very much. :)

Accident

2004-05-09T11:14:00.000+08:00

Accident

I got into accident again on Wednesday night, 10.30 p.m at the Bukit Jalil junction. It was a shitty experience. I hate junctions. I hate traffic lights (when it is red). It's the only time where I hit cars. Red light makes my mind idle and that's where shitty ideas come in. When the light turned green, I stepped on my pedal without even realising there was a car in front of me. The driver was a nice chap. Felt remorseful because he didn't scream at me (like I expected him to). I didn't ask God, 'WHY ME?' but 'God, are you trying to tell me something? If you are, please help me to understand it.' Thanks to all my friends who have been there for me financially/emotionally. There are people who really care for me; checking on me all the while to make sure that I am safe. Thanks NHS for being there. Thanks KTP for your support in every manner. God bless you for that. Thanks KWL for being thoughtful - your occasional calls mean much to me. Thanks LYS for your help and extensive network of contacts.

For the past few days, life has been treating me very well. I am enjoying every single minute of it. I love the adrenaline rush and I will fill my days with doing and doing and doing until I am dead tired. This means less blogging from now. [:)]

@!#(&!#&@!&#!@#!!!

2004-05-09T11:06:00.000+08:00

@!#(&!#&@!&#!@#!!!

Copied WITHOUT permission from
http://hwabeng.org.my/index.php/publish/page/index

-----Original Message-----
From: hwabeng1@streamyx [mailto:hwabeng1@streamyx.com]
Sent: Friday, May 07, 2004 11:04 AM
To: 'edwardling'
Subject: Traffic woes

Dear Edward Ling,
I am sorry you have to suffer the traffic congestion problems.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

That's so bloody consoling from someone who DOESNT stay in Subang Jaya and USJ but Tropicana. Can someone tell me how far is Tropicana from USJ? Anyway, Dear Mighty Termites in Tropicana, do have mercy on thousands and thousands of us who have to endure this traffic torture in Subang Jaya every morning (and even weekends for now - Thanks to NPE) while inefficient someone gets to play PDA on his bed. Comeon, he can do better than that! Do our faces look kesian enough for him to give his utmost sympathy? We don't need it eh. How would one understand the dilemmas we face if he's not being really part of us? How could that help us?

Progressive nation. Progressive people.

p/s: never tell your children to study hard and earn good money. get them into politics! *sarcasm*

Bleh!

Stupid Conversation

2004-05-04T00:16:00.000+08:00

Stupid Conversation

While I was ironing some clothes in my parents room, my father casually sparked a conversation with me about my screwed-up love life. For the past few days, he has been hitting on that with his tak-jadi jokes.

Dad: Why [ex's name] no longer visit you?

*getting very defensive and prepared to attack*

Me: WHATEVER FOR?!?!?!?

Dad: Still friends?

Me: DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM?

Dad: You used to call him 'my love'

@&)#!@#!. Did I? Even if I did, it's history! Remind me not to mention that in front of him!

Dad: He visits you in Bukit Jalil issit?

*quickly cut him off*

Me: WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? OF ALL THINGS, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO ASK ABOUT ALL THAT NONSENSE?

Dad: I am just showing my concern. Don't want you to get distracted. Your attention should be on your books.

Me: YES. ARE YOU TRYING TO TURN ME INTO THOSE IRON FEMALES or 'FUGGING NERDS?' ? Well, in case you are, I am NOT.

Dad: You must understand, we are spending so much $$$ on your education. Just want to know who you are befriending with.

Me: FINE.

'what's the issue man? it's not that i fellate every single dick i meet or something like that..' neither am i coming back home with an upgraded status of being a biological mother. sigh..

That conversation would not have been that blissful if I didn't get myself involve with someone nine years my senior at the moment. It wasn't so much about my ex but about my current so-called love life. It's not even a relationship. It's baseless and it's not taking anyone anywhere. And the Que-Sera-Sera thing isn't helping me any much. Confiding in some other guys (rebound process) is really a f-ked up thing to do but if it helps, why not. Feeling jilted, desolated and manipulated. If it's really a mind game, then let me be forsaken.

FCUK THIS! Going to get my things done!

Timetable for Week 10

2004-05-03T23:52:00.000+08:00

Timetable for Week 10

Sigh. Urinary system. Kidney function. Fluid & electrolyte balance. Yawn Yawn Yawn and don't get to 'ponteng' on this Friday? HOW CAN?!?!?! .. Yes. My tutor will be covering 40% of this week's lectures. I don't know why but this man truly freaks me out!

*check check timetable for Week 11*

YIPEEEeEeEeEE!! GET TO PONTENG ON FRIDAY!! (provided I've finished playing with the toys in the museum. Sigh!)

I thought I had one week of holidays. What happened to them? Sigh. After tomorrow, life is going to be quite tough. Getting a new faci (read: very knowledgeable and dedicated woman) for PBL and this means that I have to prepare my stuff well. No more gazing at smarter people. Don't think I'll get away by looking stupid. My last faci was really nice though!

Still have to complete my AIR Assessment on 'I-don't-know-what-gotta-check-later' which was due 3 weeks ago before I get back to uni.

*grumbles**grumbles**grumbles*

*thinks of her to-do-list*

KNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNCCCCCCCCCCCCCBBbbbbbbbbb .. whatever that means.

Farewell!

My Machoman

2004-05-03T23:37:00.000+08:00

My Machoman

This is the very first time I am owning something which I can completely call it 'ALL MINE' . No no. It's not a man. It's not a Chevy as well. But not telling now. So stay tune! ;)

G Mail: So Much of Storage Space?

2004-05-03T23:31:00.000+08:00

G Mail: So Much of Storage Space?

1Gb of e-mail storage space? That's crazy. But it's free - so not complaining. Can't wait to store all my pornographic materials here once they officially launch the service. Good job google. Go google GO!

God's Working on Me

2004-05-02T11:18:00.000+08:00

God's Working on Me

Ten minutes ago, I almost completed writing about my problem with Retail Therapy. Unfortunately, my father came into the room to adjust the CPU with his itchy hands because it was not properly alligned. Need not to say more, the system hanged. Sigh. Looks like my patience is deminishing by the day. I almost wanted to scream at him but there was a strong force which prevented me from doing so. I just gave him the 'LOOK AT WHAT YOU'VE DONE face.' Last night, before I go to bed, I told God to work on me and looks like He's working on me. Back in secondary school, I made quite a number of personal achievements. However, no matter how hard I tried, I knew there was something missing in my life. After confiding in a friend of mine, he reminded me about God. Yes. That was the answer because I turned away from Him. After making a simple prayer, I felt different. I know there's someone behind my back, backing me up. Few years later, I fell again and that event came to my mind. I know God loves me. That's what faith is about isn't it?

*humming to the tune of Friends in High Places - Australia Hillsongs*

I was in need and I needed a friend
I was alone and I needed a hand
I was going down
But someone rescued me

Chorus:
My God cares too much to say
His mercies are new everyday
I get down to pray
And then help is on its way

I walk by faith and not by sight
If things go wrong, it’ll be alright
‘Cause someone greater
Is watching over me
(Chorus)

Coda:
Now in faith, I believe
I’ve got everything I need
I walk by faith and not by what I see
I’ve got friends in high places
I’ve got someone I can call
And I’ve got someone watching over me

Birthday Dedication

2004-05-02T10:39:00.000+08:00

Birthday Dedication

May your life be filled with everlasting love, joy, peace and happiness. May also success be with you always in everything you do. May God bless you with good health too. Happy Birthday my friend! With love. ;)

Too Tired

2004-05-01T00:13:00.000+08:00

Too Tired

I still have so much to do. Another stack of clothes to iron (Don't ask me where they came from) and two sets of bedlinen to wash tomorrow morning. Holidays are not holidays when you have stuffs waiting to be done on your 'To-Do List.' My runny nose isn't doing me any good but contributing to the tightness around my throat. The best part is, jeng-jeng-jeng...it's time of the month... and having to live with white cotton in between my legs for six days sucks.

HTML J.A

2004-04-30T19:12:00.000+08:00

HTML J.A

I don't understand HTML. It's logical but I can't remember which should come first or which should come last. Maybe it's just me; for NOT taking enough initiative to remember it. Since it is going to be a long weekend, it's high time that I should do something about it ...instead of waiting for a miracle.

To.Do List

1. Extra space for links/blog referrals/sites and misc.. *new window pop-up or scroll bar at the so-called navigating column?*
2. Links *why can't I insert a proper link so that people could click on it and a new window will pop-up instead of having to copy and paste?..!(@#&!@#!@#*

3. Archive *do I need one or should I have one... and why do I not see it anyway?*

4. Opacity/Background *why do I see blended images of my inserted images and the background? it looks weird having birds blending with photographs of people*

Any other suggestions? *kicks herself*

Chevy Aveo LS

2004-04-24T17:33:00.000+08:00

Chevy Aveo LS

I am not exactly an automobile enthusiast but I kind of like this car. Especially the black one. According to KWL, it is going for RM67,813.50 OTR. *If I can save RM 1000 every month without fail, it will take me 68 months to own it* *sobs**sobs* Close to seven years for that. Arghhhhh. Financial freedom oh financial freedom. *slaps herself* But, it's okay. I'll be more than happy if I could test drive the car.

Here's the site: http://www.chevrolet.com/aveo/multimedia/color.htm
p/s: will rectify the active linking problem soon

Upon reflection, it's really amazing. My father is paying RM 24K every semester (i.e six months) for my education. Books, pocket money, shopping, blah blah blah will add up to another RM 7-8k. That gives an approximate total of RM 32K of expenditure (read: long-term investment) every 6 months...That's almost the price of a brand new Kelisa 1.0L Manual. Come to think of it, it's really freaky. If I don't get through this semester successfully, I am never going to forgive myself. No wonder dad refuses to speak to me whenever I am not studying. He believes that I am part of his long-term investment plan (I don't see the return coming anyway) but I prefer to see myself as a walking parasite. I'll still be sucking pocket money from him for the next six years. (Ten perhaps.. if the MOH is not doing anything good for the medical profession)..

Today, I am scheduled to complete my lecture notes for Week 6/7/8 and the best part is I still have +/- 38 hours left before my paper starts. It's so unfair you know - judging my performance based on that miserable one hour paper which contributes 15% to my finals.. *grumble grumble grumble* passing mark is 65% and it's like no joke for me...*grumble grumble grumble* ...if I screw up this paper, my journey is going to be so so so so fucked up.. *grumble grumble grumble* Good new is....I will be getting my results from my tutor (Mr Sunshine).. and .. I predict (ala gaya Master Chin), that Mr Sunshine will give me some super duper motivational talk that is loud enough to make everyone in the building deaf. ;) Ah.. Public humiliation.

I am bidding farewell to CVS which also means saying goodbye to OSPE. If it's a dramatic goodbye, I am going to have fun time restructuring my so-called 'structured' life before final kicks in on 12/13 July.

*p/s: throws goleman's EI book outta the window..aristotle's nicomachean ethics as well*

Uncertain

2004-04-23T18:58:00.000+08:00

Uncertain

For the past few days, everything seems to be so uncertain to me. Things that I should not have done yet I did and things that I should do but did not. Matters worsen when my head and heart contradicts each other. Listening to the head is good because it somehow serves as an automatic self-defense mechanism. Vital for sensitive souls like me. But at the same time, people do say listen to your heart when it comes to feelings and relationship as well. Doesn't sound brilliant for a soft-hearted person. Feeling hurt and jilted is catastrophic. Never did know my personality brings negativity to/in people. It doesn't matter much. It's not a bad thing and I don't see the point of changing. I am unique in my very own ways. Maybe it is just not the time yet for me to meet the right group of people who share the same thoughts as me. I still believe there's special someone out there who appreciates me for my raw thoughts and personality; someone who doesn't belittled my beliefs. It's rather disappointing to see how people talk behind people's back; especially coming from someone you least expect about someone you know. That's how the society works anyway. The Nicomachean Ethics by Aristotle is something I am looking forward to read..(and get inspired?). Still making time for it though. No one says that you can't find the meaning of life at the age of 19. As much as I hate to, I take great offence when people say I try too hard. What happened to the 'If you have nothing good to say, don't say..' quote?

On the contrary, rekindled friendships make me feel good. The feeling of freshness... simply gratifying. Re-opening of a chapter in my book of life. (and about to close one soon) ...

'Fire Dragon'

2004-04-23T13:56:00.000+08:00

'Fire Dragon'

The most righteous, outgoing and competitive of all Dragons, the Fire Dragon will expect a lot from everyone. But while he may be demanding and aggressive, he is also blessed with enormous energy and has a lot to offer in return. The trouble is that he may go around with an air of superiority plus authority and make people fear or shy away from him. His leadership qualities are often marred by his desire to be treated like the Messiah. Fire matched with his forceful lunar sign will give him overzealous and dictatorial inclinations. He pushes too hard even where there is little resistance.

In reality, he is an open and humane person given to impartiality and uncovering the truth at all costs. His criticisms are objective and he has the power to arouse the masses with his vibrant personality. A natural empire builder, he will look toward the supreme order of things, with himself at the helm, of course.

Because the Fire Dragon is often enveloped by insatiable personal ambition, he is short-tempered, inconsiderate and unable to put up with anything less than perfection. He also overgeneralizes or jumps to conclusions, frequently lumping people into categories without allowing for or even perceiving their individual differences.}

Nonetheless, here is a performer of the highest degree who could easily be a source of inspiration to his fellowman and a personality who will catch the public eye - when he learns to master his negative traits and communicate more humbly with others. Source One: http://www.chinavoc.com/zodiac/dragon/five.asp

Fire reinforces many of the Dragon's traits, making this Dragon the most aggressive, demanding, outgoing, rightous, and competitive of the Dragons. The Fire Dragon is also rather impatient and has a quick temper. They can overgeneralize, jump to conclusions, be impossible to please, and be generally inconsiderate at times. Despite this, the Fire Dragon, bursting with energy, has a lot to offer. This dragon will make an excellent leader, provided they do not let their ego get in the way. Unfortunately, this dragon tends to use more force than is necessary to achieve their goals. But despite the Fire Dragon's faults, they are open and humane people with a deep concern for truth and justice. This Dragon can accomplish truly great things, and could be an inspiration to others if they manage to curb their more negative traits, and seek balance with their strengths. Source Two: http://www.jade-leaves.com/ginkgo/zodiac/zodiacdragon.shtml

Downright electrifying, Fire Dragons breathe vigor and power. These natural leaders smile at adversity, turn complainers into optimists, and lead lives as inspired as a Beethoven Sonata. They are square shooters in dealing with individuals and are often called upon to mediate disputes. Because they care so much about people, Fire Dragons like to support charitable causes and bring friends together for elegant evening soirees. These Dragons are fired with ambition, unflagging enthusiasm, and intelligence and enjoy most impressive careers as a result. Despite all the money they make, Finance is a big question mark. Money is easy come easy go. Until they control their spending habits, money will just go flying in the wind. Romantics at heart, Fire Dragons can't help playing Matchmaker. They're pretty lucky, too! As for themselves, they ooze charisma and never need anyone to fix them up. Successful in love, often placed on pedestals, Fire Dragons are attractive and have fire in the belly. The opposite sex feels very secure. Source Three: http://www.tuvy.com/entertainment/horoscope/fire_dragon.htm

People don't study the zodiac for no reason. There has to be some relevance to it. To a certain extend, it has to be true in one way or another.

I'd Rather by Luther Vandross

2004-04-22T15:22:00.000+08:00

I'd Rather by Luther Vandross

I thought sometime alone
was what we really needed
you said this time would hurt more than it helps
but I couldn't see that
I thought it was the end
of a beautiful story
and so I left the one I loved at home to be alone(alone)
and I tried to find
out if this one thing is true
that I'm nothing without you
I know better now
and I've had a change of heart

I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else
I'd rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself
I'd rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart
whoo-oo-oo-oo yeah

And then I met someone
and thought she could replace you
we got a long just fine
we wasted time because she was not you
we had a lot of fun
though we knew we were faking
love was not impressed with our connection they were all lies, all lies
so I'm here cause I found this one thing is true
that I'm nothing without you
I know better now
and I've had a change of heart

I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else
I'd rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself
I'd rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart
who holds my heart

I can't blame you if you turn away from me, like I've done you,
I can only prove the things I say with time,
please be mine,

Two years ago, I fell in love with this song; immediately after listening to it for the very first time. Why? Because I was so infatuated with Mr Funny Guy who made me laugh like there's no tomorrow. It became more meaningful when the whole world was telling me I deserve someone better. At that time, I knew I didn't want 'someone better.' I just want him. I see beauty in his imperfection. Last night, I managed to listen to it again. Upon reflection, it sounded really stupid of me back then. Nothing changes except I no longer think it's romantic but stupid.

I always thought that the part in bold was so so so so so god damn romantic ...until last night...when I reflect upon my screwy love life now and the past few years.

No way.
I won't spend bad times with you.
I rather spend good times with someone else.
I won't want to be beside you in the storm.
I rather be safe and warm myself.
I won't want to have hard times together.
I rather have things easy apart.

Why should I be patient over something that I hate?
Why should I have faith when you don't even care?
Why should I tolerate your actions when you don't?
Why should I see beauty in one's imperfection?
Why should I demand less than what I should?

No. I am not going to be patient with you.
No. I am not going to have faith with you.
No. I am not going to tolerate your actions.
No. I am not going to see beauty in your imperfection.
No. I am not going to care about you.
Ignorance is bliss and I won't let the small little sweet memories to take over me.

Life is beautiful. I am so not who I thought I was. I am not weak. I am not so que-sera-sera. I am not so going to settle for your "less for more" and pay "more for more" price. I have my pride. I will not cry despite being a cry baby. I know how much I am worth and knowing that makes my life even more beautiful. Someone will appreciate every part of me and I don't need another person to compliment it for the time being!

KAPATA!

My Parent's New Baby

2004-04-17T17:58:00.000+08:00

My Parent's New Baby

I am nineteen. How can I accept the fact that I have an additional family member to my family? Sigh. I never thought that they were for real you know. Parents and new additional family member came home 30 minutes ago when I was about to take my bath. It happened all of a sudden. Brother is working and I am not at home most of the time. Dad spends his time in entertainment outlets/dance school more than he sleeps at home. I don't blame Mum for wanting a companion. Afterall, she is turning 57 this August and she is really lonely. Having a new sister of different species is funny. You know the Stuart Little/Stitch effect? I really hope dad is sincere in his words this time. I really hope Dad would allow Mum to keep her new found companion. I never take Dad's words seriously. He says one thing and mean another most of the time. He blames everyone except himself. Sigh. Men and ego is inseparable. Ever since the trauma which happened 10 years ago, the dream of having a pet never come near to my head again.

New family member is so hyper active. She would stop running around. But she's really so cute and adorable. Mwahs mwahs. I have no idea what Mum is going to name her but I am calling her darling all the time. It's nice to feel the warmth (read: heat transfer) from another living creature. I love hugging her. Here's a photo of her. Be nice to her yah! ;) In a hurry now. Need to change.

Goodbye to P-stickers

2004-04-17T17:38:00.000+08:00

Goodbye to P-stickers

After tomorrow, I can detach the P-stickers from the front and rear wind screens of my car. Two years ago feels like yesterday. I have to admit that time really flies. During my two years of being a P driver, not much events occured except for the following:

Blind spot
Scratch father's ex-secretary's neighbour's car while trying to double park (wanted to give her some ice-cream cake for her birthday if i am not mistaken). Some sort of blind spot I would say. Nevertheless, it was a 'hit-n-run' case.

Daydreaming
Didn't realise that my brake pedal was not stepped fully at a junction. Definitely not the sexy butt. The car was rolling down very slowly and it hit the Merz in front of me. *Bammmmmm* Nothing happened to the Merz though. But my poor car.. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ... Lampu habis satu. The front part of the car got pushed in. Costly mistake that made me poorer by couple of hundred. But I hid it from my parents.

Jackpot
Was I enjoying adrenaline-rush or what? Was going at 100km/h and tried to do a u-turn. Couldn't avoid an extremely big manhole and the wheel rammed into it. The left rear rim was badly injured. Bended around 2-3 inches. No longer looked like a wheel. Sigh...Another event which made me poorer by a couple of hundred.

Buta Again
Was at Sg Wang junction (in front of ParkRoyal). Driving dad's car without P sticker. Beat the red light. Maybe I didn't realise there was a traffic light there. Sigh. Could not negotiate much with the Tuan as he was threatening that my P license would get revoked and things like that. Spent him RM 100 worth of coffee beans.

The Illusion

2004-04-17T17:28:00.000+08:00

The Illusion

In an hour's time, Ms Moy would be playing 'Aunty Driver' picking me up for the above play. Had no idea what am I to expect although Ms Moy pasted some synopsis in our chat window earlier on. Lengthy stuff. Just picked up three keyword from it though. Wit, Humourous and Magical Fantasy.

In case you guys have no idea what is it, refer to http://www.kakiseni.com/events/theatre/NTY4Ng.html

p/s: *angie wants to look at leng jais!* *angie wants to drool at leng jais!* *angie wants to learn the art of male-butt pinching* *angie wants wants wants* *slurp**slurp* *anyway it's a see-no-touch event* *sobs**sobs*

Children Learn What They Live by Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.

2004-04-17T11:34:00.000+08:00

Children Learn What They Live
By Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

I used to have this poster hanging around in my house when I was younger. Didn't matter much back then because I could not understand and see the beauty of it. It was so real and true while I was growing up. Upon reflection at this point of life, it's even more real and true knowing how my life could be richer to a certain extend with proper parenting skills from my parents. Neverthless, I'm not blaming them despite finding it difficult to change. With much faith and courage, I know I would; but when I would not know.

Abstract

2004-04-17T00:37:00.000+08:00

Abstract

Is it wrong for me not to believe in no one?
I believe in God.

Should I believe no one loves me?
God loves me.

Can I be hurt by no one?
God loves me.

How can no one hurt me?
God loves me.

No one does me no justification.
God loves me.

Why is there this method of expression which no one uses?
God guide me!

Why does no one expresses feelings like that?
God teach me!

How can no one not know what is right or wrong?
God teach me!

Why does no one open my eyes?
God is trying to.

Why did I tell no one my dont-wants?
God help me!

Anyway, dad sent me a nice sms this morning.
Happiness keeps you sweet. Trials make you strong. Sorrow keeps you human. Failure keeps you humble. Success keeps you glowing. God keeps you going. Good morning and God Bless.

If that's so true, I must be so-human. ;)

Forgotten Commandment

2004-04-15T16:17:00.000+08:00

Forgotten Commandment

The 13th commandment would be

I CAN LIVE WITHOUT ANYONE! (including no one)

Think Optimistic!

2004-04-15T16:02:00.000+08:00

Think Optimistic!

To survive. A dozen of commandments to follow.

1) Must go to medical museum
2) Must complete SILOS Assessment a week ahead of time!
3) Must attend lectures ON TIME!
4) Must pay attention during lectures
5) Must study lecture notes daily
6) Must read Marieb's A n P to sleep
7) Must complete the Assigned Independent Reading crap
8) Must not procrastinate
9) Must cut down sleeping session
10) Must cut down online session
11) Must e-mail my tutor more often
12) Must do what I must do

My New Book - The Bitch in the House

2004-04-11T18:07:00.000+08:00

My New Book - The Bitch in the House

At page 10 or so...and I am already so in love with the book...with high expectations that I would learn something useful from it and subconsciously build up the MALE HATING tendency per se..Will give a short review when I am done with it.

However, I can't wait till May. I can't wait to see how men defend themselves. Hope it does look stupid.

Fixing a Broken Heart

2004-04-11T13:53:00.000+08:00

Fixing a Broken Heart

There was nothing to say the day she left
I just filled a suitcase full of regrets
I hailed a taxi in the rain
Looking for some place to ease the pain
Pre-Chorus:
Then like an answered prayer
I turned around and found you there
Chorus:
You really where start (you really know where to start)
Fixing a broken heart
You really know what to do
Your emotional tools
Can cure any fool
Whose dreams have fallen apart?
Fixing a broken heart
I never could understand
What you're going to through
There must be a plan that led me to you
Coz' all the heart just disappears
Every moment you are near
Pre-Chorus:
Just like an answered prayer
You make the loneliness easy to bear
Repeat Chorus
Bridge:
Soon the rain will stop falling, baby
So let's forget the past
Coz here we are at last
Repeat Chorus

I don't know why but I can't help listening to this song over and over again! ;) Nice

Donkey Job/Cleaning After People's SHIT

2004-04-10T15:09:00.001+08:00

Donkey Job/Cleaning After People's SHIT

Being a casual nominee for a donkey job is the worst thing that ever happened to me this year. Selfish and kiasu medical students added shit to my shitty life but TRUST me, I will not lose my temper so easily and i WILL tolerate. But let me warn you, never awaken a sleeping tiger.

I took orders for some xerox-ed photocopied books for Mr Xerox senior mid last month. I collected $$ (even added when it was short) all for NOTHING . So fine. After being harrassed by super kiasu medical students countless times; (asking) 'eh the books where ah?' ... or 'when can we get the books ah?' or 'did you know i have not gotten my books yet?' I am so pissed. Mr Xerox's delivery SUCKS! He did not deliver the books in accordance to the order. Every week he'll bring a portion of it. Fine. I can't tolerate that. Either ALL or NONE okay. (I must have owed this bunch of money suckers in my past life time)

Come on man, you are doing some bloody business here. (I BELIEVE YOU DO EARN BIG BUCKS FROM THIS PIRACY BUSINESS OF YOURS..KICK MY @$$ .. TELL ME THAT I AM WRONG..) and I am (with the BIGGEST HELP of TMY) running all the donkey job for you. FOR GOD SAKE, don't make us sound as though we OWE you for that so-called favour of yours.

YOU BLOODY M1/04 STUDENTS! My name is NOT TREASURER. Neither would I like to be addressed as 'the girl in weird specs' or 'the one who speaks fast-fast one' . Many of you are so NOT understanding (who was the IDIOT who said that the medical profession is about being caring/understanding and that BULLSHIT?). You guys are not even being GRATEFUL at all. Good doctors are hard to come by. Sad to say, I've lost my respect for many of you who wishes to be part of the so-called noble profession. (Not that it matters anyway).

When the books arrived, I know you guys were in a hurry to go for your lunch or do your olis (to impress your dean/tutor) or whatever shit but can't you all be more understanding? AH.. HOW I WISH YOUR HIGH DISCTINCTIONS IN EXAMS WOULD COMPLIMENT THE MORAL BEHAVIOUR OF YOURS AS WELL.. . At most you would have to wait for 20 minutes so that the quantity of books would tally with the figure I put in for order? How often do you have to do this man? You don't have to show that sulky face of yours OR even QUESTION my efficiency/competency in running my job. To make matters (from bad to worse), a BIG THANK YOU to the BATCH REP with initials CSH. He could not stop CRITICIZING (which I take great great OFFENCE) on the rate I was distributing the books. He even did his own distribution by asking the students 'WHAT YOU ORDERED?' and gave them the books after they answered him..(without even ME knowing who has/has NOT taken?) At the end of the day, I have to clear the bloody shit left by sending countless sms-es out to all the people who took the books without telling. Not that I would blame them anyway. Afterdistribution, MR BATCH REP shouted, "TREASURER? EVERYTHING IS OKAY RIGHT?? BYE!!!" and he disappeared. WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR? When I asked my buddy to double check with CSH by calling him yesterday, all he replied was 'I DON't KNOW. DON't ASK ME!' .

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!? (it's MY turn now. Not yours batch rep!)
I am NOT asking for SYMPATHY from you people.
I am NOT asking for APPRECIATION from you people.
And the only thing I wish to ask for is UNDERSTANDING which you people possess NONE!

Recently, I heard of some news where a student was reprimanded for what she wrote in her blog. What happened to that FREEDOM OF SPEECH crap? Sigh. Doesn't matter anyway. Whatever written here is not my thoughts but a TRUE ACCOUNT of what happened to me! Medical students? Ahhh ... *runs*

Reflection

2004-04-09T20:56:00.000+08:00

Reflection

The Road Not Taken
Robert Frost

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less travelled by,
And that has made all the difference.

What the HELL was I thinking when I applied to do medicine? Being a medical student who suffers from inferiority, I try very hard to love/appreciate whatever I've studied. Somehow, it is still baseless. I like law but I never did have the guts to go against my parent's will. I don't have the confidence/will power to fight for something I really want in fear that I would be blamed for it. Born with too much water and too little wood element perhaps. Anyway, this poem does not reflect much on my life but I like it. Like I've once said, swallow-own-sorrow-bite-own-bitterness.

Nonsense

2004-04-08T16:14:00.000+08:00

Nonsense

What's the purpose of one's existence? From day one, I was forced to accept 'life' the way it was. Not given any chance to even reject the wonderful proposal of 'life,' God just dumped me here - Planet Earth and I have to find the meaning of life. Being the by-product of my parent's one night action simply makes no sense. To make things worse, you meet lots of stupid people who can't seem to stop aggrevating you. (For God sake). Where's the logic behind this man?

In my previous blog, I did question about the fundamentals of love/marriage/relationship. After falling in and out of love (including baseless 'crush' and infatuation), it is still baseless. Then, in the subsequent blog, I did quote the article The 20 Wisest Things Our Mothers Taught Us by Nancy Evans In the 8th advice, it says "Don't marry the man you can live with - marry the man you can't live without.". If given a chance, I would like to question her, WHY! Automatic self-defence mechanism will tell you that you can live without anyone in particular. Yes or no, life still goes on. So why do we women (from Mars?) need men who we can't live without?

Sigh, I am in one of those moods again. I don't even know what's my main objective of telling all these. Mixed feelings perhaps. I'll just conclude with a nice article, TEN WAYS TO MARRY THE WRONG PERSON by Rabbi Dov Heller .

With the divorce rate over 50 percent, too many are apparently making a serious mistake in deciding who to spend the rest of their life with. To avoid becoming a "statistic," try to internalize these 10 insights.

#1. You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change after you're married.

The classic mistake. Never marry potential. The golden rule is, if you can't be happy with the person the way he or she is now, don't get married. As a colleague of mine so wisely put it, "You actually can expect people to change after their married... for the worst!" So when it comes to the other person's spirituality, character, personal hygiene, communication skills, and personal habits, make sure you can live with these as they are now.

#2. You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than on character.

Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it burning. Beware of the "I'm in love" syndrome. "I'm in love" often means, "I'm in lust." Attraction is there, but have you carefully checked out this person's character? Here are four character traits to definitely check for:

Humility: Does this person believe that "doing the right thing" is more important than personal comfort?
Do I want to be more like this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?

Kindness: Does this person enjoy giving pleasure to other people? How does s/he treat people s/he doesn't have to be nice to? Does s/he do volunteer work? Give charity?

Responsibility: Can I depend on this person to do what s/he says s/he's going to do?

Happiness: Does this person like himself? Does s/he enjoy life? Is s/he emotionally stable?

Ask yourself: Do I want to be more like this person? Do I want to have a child with this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?

#3. You pick the wrong person because the man doesn't understand what a woman needs most.

Men and women have unique emotional needs, and more often than not, it is the man who just doesn't "get it." Jewish tradition places the onus on the man to understand the emotional needs of a woman and to satisfy them.

The unique need of a woman is to be loved -- to feel that she is the most important person in her husband's life. The husband needs to give her consistent, quality attention.

This is most apparent in Judaism's approach to sexual intimacy. The Torah obligates the husband to meet the sexual needs of his wife. Sexual intimacy is always on the woman's terms. Men are goal-oriented, especially when it comes this area. As a wise woman once pointed out, "Men have two speeds: on and off." Women are experience-oriented. When a man is able to switch gears and become more experience-oriented, he will discover what makes his wife very happy. When the man forgets about his own needs and focuses on giving his wife pleasure, amazing things happen.

#4. You choose the wrong person because you do not share a common life goals and priorities.

There are three basic ways we connect with another person:

chemistry and compatibility
share common interests
share common life goal

Make sure you share the deeper level of connection that sharing life goals provide. After marriage, the two of you will either grow together or grow apart. To avoid growing apart, you must figure out what you're "living for," while you're single -- and then find someone who has come to the same conclusion as you. This is the true definition of a "soul mate." A soul mate is a goal mate -- two people who ultimately share the same understanding of life's purpose and therefore share the same priorities, values and goals.

#5. You choose the wrong person because you get involved sexually too quickly.

Sexual involvement before the commitment of marriage can be a big problem because it often precludes a fully honest exploration of important issues. Sexual involvement tends to cloud one's mind. And a clouded mind is not inclined to make good decisions.

Of all the studies done on divorce, sexual incompatibility is never cited as a main factor.

It is not necessary to take a "test drive"in order to find out if a couple is sexually compatible. If you do your homework and make sure you are intellectually and emotionally compatible, you don't have to worry about sexual compatibility. Of all the studies done on divorce, sexual incompatibility is never cited as a main reason why people divorce.

#6. You pick the wrong person because you do not have a deeper emotional connection with this person.

To evaluate whether you have a deeper emotional connection or not, ask: "Do I respect and admire this person?"

This does not mean, "Am I impressed by this person?" We are impressed by a Mercedes. We do not respect someone because they own a Mercedes. You should be impressed by qualities of creativity, loyalty, determination, etc.

Also ask: "Do I trust this person?" This also means, "Is he/she emotionally stable? Do I feel I can rely on him/her?

#7. You pick the wrong person because you choose someone with whom you don't feel emotionally safe.

Ask yourself the following questions: Do I feel calm, peaceful and relaxed with this person? Can I fully be myself and express myself with this person? Does this person make me feel good about myself? Do you have a really close friend who does make you feel this way? Make sure the person you marry makes you feel the same way!

Are you afraid of this person in any way? You should not feel you need to monitor what you say because you are afraid of how the other person will view it. If you're afraid to express your feelings and opinions openly, there's a problem with the relationship.

Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to change you.

Another aspect of feeling safe is that you don't feel the other person is trying to control you. Controlling behaviors are a sign of an abusive person. Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to change you. There's a big difference between "controlling" and "making suggestions." A suggestion is made for your benefit; a control statement is made for their benefit.

#8. You pick the wrong person because you don't put everything on the table.

Anything that bothers you about the relationship must be brought up for discussion. Bringing up the uncomfortable stuff is the only way to evaluate how well the two of you communicate, negotiate, and work together. Over the course of a lifetime, difficulties will inevitably arise. You need to know now, before making a commitment: Can you resolve your differences and find compromises that work for both of you?

Never be afraid to let the person know what bothers you. This is also a way for you to test how vulnerable you can be with this person. If you can't be vulnerable, then you can't be intimate. The two go hand in hand.

#9. You pick the wrong person because you use the relationship to escape from personal problems and unhappiness.

If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably be unhappy and married, too.

If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably be unhappy and married, too. Marriage does not fix personal, psychological and emotional problems. If anything, marriage will exacerbate them.

If you are not happy with yourself and your life, take responsibility to fix it now while you are single. You'll feel better, and your future spouse will thank you.

#10. You pick the wrong person because he/she is involved in a triangle.

To be "triangulated" means a person is emotionally dependent on someone or something else while trying to develop another relationship. A person who hasn't separated from his or her parents is the classic example of triangulation. People can also be triangulated with things as well, such as work, drugs, Internet, hobbies, sports or money.

Be careful that you and your partner are free of triangles. The person caught in the triangle cannot be fully emotionally available to you. You will not be their number one priority. And that's no basis for a marriage.

So pick your partner wisely and don't let your children suffer from your mistakes... for HEAVEN SAKE!

Cleaning After People's Shit

2004-04-07T13:33:00.000+08:00

Cleaning After People's Shit

How many times in life do you actually have to clear after people's shit? Not only that. Last week I had to clear the remains of two dead insects which managed to direct attention of humongous ants into my room. I was so cheezed off that I took the shieldtox spray can and ... need me tell more? .. Later, I had to use a white cloth to wipe every single part of my room including the walls/tables/wardrobe blah blah blah. Not forgetting that I had to change my bed linen. Does 'Melly Maid Cleaning Services' sounds good? Yeah, that's how I spent my Friday night/Saturday morning.

The best part is you get nothing out of it. Maybe it's a method of indirect training of patience from God since He know that my patience level is so minimal. Bad karma perhaps? Nah, life goes on. I am not going to give two hoods about it man. Life goes on after all.

This has nothing to do with the topic... but .. MY LIFE is stupid. Like what moyzie has once said, 'we spend our lives waiting for something which is < N O T H I N G ' To a certain extend it's true isn't it? Sigh. I had tonnes of notes to watch up with including the first four weeks of lecture. Worse thing... summative1 is coming up soon. I am brain dead. But I know I still have to carry on with life. Moreover, after the commotion I had with dad, going back home sucks. I get blamed for nothing. Perhaps, I am a perfect FREE emotional garbage dumb.

p/s: i really miss my instant messengers. sigh.. how i wish i have them now... anyone wants to donate free pc to me? anyway going back to my place now.. take care peepz..

Appreciating Yourself

2004-04-02T18:10:00.000+08:00

Appreciating Yourself

How often do you compare yourself to others?
How often do you complain about yourself?
How often do you appreciate yourself?
How often do you thank God for who you are?
How often do you feel proud of yourself?

Until today, I've yet to learn to appreciate myself. Feeling inferior most of the time, I never did appreciate who I am. Condemning every single inch of myself is how I give thanks to the Creator, the Alpha and Omega. Sinful isn't it? I was borne with complete and healthy body system and yet I say such things. I have roof on my head, food on my table, clothes to wear, education, friends (little in quantity but indescribable in quality), this this that that but why am I still not contented? I always want more and more and more, better and better and better... (so called self-improvement) .. Is it wrong to be complacent? To what extend contentment will restrain us from achieving more in life? How do you draw a line between being complacent and appreciative? Later did I realise that the only way for people to appreciate you is by YOU appreciating yourself first. (I could be wrong here but people tend to take things for granted). I confide in no one but myself during moments of difficulty and sadness. I listen to no one but myself. I like the phrase 'swallow your own sorrow and bite your own bitterness' but it's getting too harsh at times. I practice self-blame ever since God knows when and it's high time that I should stop...yet it's always easier to be said than done... Self-blame will only eat away your self-esteem...Enough of that.. How bout looking at HOW TO LOVE YOURSELF?

How to Love Yourself by Louise Hay
http://www.seamless-web.net/howto.htm

1. Stop all criticism: Criticism never changes a thing. Refuse to criticize yourself. Accept yourself exactly as you are. Everybody changes. When you criticize yourself, your changes are negative. When you approve of yourself, your changes are positive.

2. Don't scare yourself: Stop terrorizing yourself with your thoughts. It's a dreadful way to live. Find a mental image that gives you pleasure (mine is yellow roses), and immediately switch your scary thought to a pleasure thought.

3. Be gentle and kind and patient: Be gentle with yourself. Be kind to yourself. Be patient with yourself as you learn the new ways of thinking. Treat yourself as you would someone you
really loved.

4. Be kind to your mind: Self-hatred is only hating your own thoughts. Don't hate yourself for having the thoughts. Gently change the thoughts.

5. Praise yourself: Criticism breaks the inner spirit. Praise builds it up. Praise yourself as much as you can. Tell yourself how well you are doing with every little thing.

6. Support yourself: Find ways to support yourself. Reach out to friends, and allow them to help you. It is being strong to ask for help when you need it.

7. Be loving to your negatives: Acknowledge that you created them to fulfill a need. Now you are finding new, positive ways to fulfill those needs. So. lovingly release the old negative patterns.

8. Take care of your body: Learn about nutrition. What kind of fuel does your body need to have optimum energy and vitality? Learn about exercise. What kind of exercise can you enjoy? Cherish and revere the temple you live in.

9. Mirror work: Look into your own eyes often. Express this growing sense of love you have for yourself. Forgive yourself looking into the mirror. Talk to your parents looking into the mirror. Forgive them, too. At least once a day, say: "I love you, I really love you!"

10. LOVE YOURSELF - DO IT NOW! Don't wait until you get well or lose the weight, or get the new job, or find the new relationship. Begin NOW - do the best you can.

I like number 9 though. I should go infront of the mirror and say 'I LOVE YOU' every morning instead of 'YOU bLOODY WALKING TRIGLYCERIDES!!'

Have a nice day peeps. ;)

I've Never Been To Me

2004-03-28T19:09:00.000+08:00

I've Never Been To Me

This song was originally by Charlene but recently, S.H.E made it popular again. (If I am not mistaken). It's one of my favourite song of all time and the part in bold really freaks me out. Enjoy! ;)

Hey lady, you, lady, cursin' at your life
You're a discontented mother and a rich inventive wife
I've no doubt you dream about the things you'll never do
But I wish someone had a talked to me like I wanna talk to you

Ooh I've been to Georgia and California, oh, anywhere I could run
Took the hand of a preacherman and we made love in the sun
But I ran out of places and friendly faces because I had to be free
I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me

Please lady, please, lady, don't just walk away
'Cause I have this need to tell you why I'm all alone today
I can see so much of me still living in your eyes
Won't you share a part of a weary heart that has lived a million lies

Oh I've been to Nice and the isle of Greece
While I sipped champagne on a yacht
I moved like Harlow in Monte Carlo and showed 'em what I've got
I've been undressed by kings and I've seen some things
That a woman ain't s'posed to see
I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me

[spoken:]
Hey, you know what paradise is? It's a lie. A fantasy we create about
people and places as we'd like them to be. But you know what truth is?
It's that little baby you're holding, and it's that man you fought with this morning, the same one you're going to make love with tonight.
That's truth, that's love

Sometimes I've been to cryin' for unborn children
That might have made me complete
But I, I took the sweet life and never knew I'd be bitter from the sweet
I spent my life exploring the subtle whoring that cost too much to be free
Hey lady, I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me

I've been to paradise - never been to me
(I've been to Georgia and California, and anywhere I could run)
I've been to paradise - never been to me
(I've been to Nice and the isle of Greece
While I sipped champagne on a yacht)
I've been to paradise - never been to me
(I've been to cryin' for unborn children...) (to fade)

Unfruitful Weekend

2004-03-28T18:59:00.000+08:00

Unfruitful Weekend

This weekend has been extremely unfruitful as I did nothing productive apart from wasting money and drowning myself in sinful activities. Please do not ask me what it is. Dad has been not very happy with me not studying. I can read his body language. But after being deprived of pc for 5 working days, being able to use the pc again feels great.

After having dinner with my parents yesterday night, I went to meet birthday girl-Yean Shan (my partner in crime during high school) in Taipan. I was supposed to attend the dinner but since I promised my father earlier, I had to be late for her birthday. Anyway, ah san, if you are reading this (very unlikely that you would),many happy returns of the day yah!.. let's hope that aaron choo/chew guy would stay as sweet as he is.. He's like soooooooooooooooooo sweet...

I got her this card since four months ago. She was on my mind when I saw the card. Finally, after four months, I finally could give it to her. It's amazing. It's actually a made-in-malaysia card and i was pretty shocked when i saw it..

Check out her reaction eh.. ;P

Very excited eh?

What sorta card is this haaaa

Attempting to insert her fingers into the holes

Go yean shan .. go .. open it with the fingers

Argh girl.. you could have done better by inserting it deeper.. ahhh.. now those males have shortie pinkie lovesticks.. all because of you..;P

Yean Shan's present

Earlier this afternoon, Mei Sim called. She said she wanted to pass me some thing and agreed to teman me to get a table fan. When she stepped into her car, she gave me this..

Me: Heyyy.. what's this for wehhh ... For what?!?!?!

MS: Nolah.. this is a small present from me and kee chang to you..

Me: For what lah.. I didn't do anything weh.. what you two thinking eh...

MS: Can be your belated birthday present or not leh?

Me: NOOo.. You already treated me dinner in peranakan house with Jea Ru .. remember?

MS: No .. but then you still bought us drink in coffee bean after that.. where can? moreover kee chang also never gib you present ..

Me: Oh mi gawddd.. i am so happy .. thank you so so so much .. i still feel bad leh..ok ok .. i wear it now for you to see okay....

*puts on the bracelet*

MS: WOIIII !! KEK SEI YAN AH!!! WHY YOUR HANDS SO SMALL WANN!?!?!!?!?!?

Me: Aiya.. liddat nevermind lor.. I use it as anklet lor .. see can or not..

*puts around the ankle.. but bracelet too small..tries other method..*

MS: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOI!!! CAN YOU DON'T BE SO CHOU LOU OR NOTTTTTTTTT....

Me: Aiyah.. you know me lah.. this kindda thing where got suitable for me leh.. but nevermind .. i'll wear it that don't take out okay?!?!?!

Thank you so much Mei Sim. Thank you so much Kee Chang. I did nothing for both of you and I still don't deserve the gift. Haih. I am feeling so remorseful now. But thank you so much! Now I have something to decorate my wrist. ;)

It's very beautiful. Just that my hand is too ugly to compliment it.. sobs sobs

As a result of having relatively small wrist... tail dangling..

We had really sinful cakes in La Manila and I am still feeling horrible. I don't think I want to go near to the bathroom scale. *sobs**sobs* I am the biggest piece of walking triglycerides. I hate the mirror. *sobs**sobs* But nothing is going to stop me from eating. While we were on our journey back home, there was an accident around the Kesas interjunction to Summit Hotel. The whole place was jammed up terribly but didn't slow down to get any 4d number.. ;P

Mei Sim gave me a bottle of tau foo fa and two containers of tau foo fa jelly... Thank you so much girl .. mwahs..

By the way, this pack of junk food tastes good man.. nyam nyam..

Tomorrow is going to be Monday again and life is going to be so sucky there after. Just wish me all the best and God please do help me to get through baseless PBLs without preparation. Till then, I am looking forward to Redbox again on Friday! !@)#!@&(#!@#! I have to wake up at 6am tomorrow morning. That sucks.. visit to the medical museum is going the be suckier... *criesssssss*

The 20 Wisest Things Our Mothers Taught Us by Nancy Evans

2004-03-27T14:08:00.000+08:00

The 20 Wisest Things Our Mothers Taught Us by Nancy Evans

Our mothers are our earliest teachers. And often -- at least regarding some things -- they are our best teachers. Here, the women of iVillage share the words of wisdom their mothers handed down to them. And not surprisingly, a good number of them report that they're passing the same lessons down to their own children.

Thank your mother for the wisdom she's imparted to you over the years -- and share this special Real Solutions -- with our latest Mother's Day postcard!

About Life
1. "'You aren't getting anything done just sitting there.' This is what I am now telling my teens! It applies to everything. You want something? You've got to get up and go get it -- a job, success, a glass of soda, whatever -- take charge and just do it!"

2. "'Appreciate all the blessings that you receive in life, and don't bemoan the things you can't have. Focus instead on things you have influence in.' Despite all the challenges and sorrows that have come my way I don't despair. I celebrate all that life has to offer and continue to grow and learn."

3. "My mother always told me that the one thing I should do was get an education. She said: 'Almost anyone can take just about everything away from you -- but your education, once you have it, no one can take it away from you.'"

About Men
4. "'If a guy really wants to talk to you, he'll call.' This advice stopped me from spending a lifetime waiting for the guy to call back."

5. "'You can't change someone who doesn't want to change.' When I started dating, I kept that in mind with every new boyfriend. If he wasn't the guy I wanted, I got out of the relationship instead of trying to change him. Because of this, my husband is all the things I wanted in a man. My mom's advice helped me find the man of my dreams!"

6. "'Never count on a man being around forever.' This is kind of one-sided, but I learned from my mom that I should always be able to take care of myself. Although I love having a man, I can do just fine without him. I am my own person and independent."

7. "'If you settle for less that's all you're going to get.' I will always remember my mother's words, and will not settle for a man who does not deserve my love."

8. "'Don't marry the man you can live with - marry the man you can't live without.' "

About Marriage
9. "'Don't sweat the small stuff in your marriage. Respect one another and express your respect daily. Pick your battles by level of importance to you.' All of this advice stopped me from setting up a pattern that sounds -- and feels -- suspiciously like nagging.

10. "'When you marry, you marry the whole family.' The two times I married I did not heed her advice, and I am so regretful. I truly believe that having a healthy extended family makes a huge difference in a person's life! I talk to my children about this often and hope they learn from my mistake.

11. "'Never shine your boyfriend or husband's shoes.' As a teen, I thought it was one of those meaningless old sayings, but in 27 years of marriage, I have discovered that her real message did get through to me. It is about being a real person in your own right, being a partner but not a servant. It has enabled me to keep a sense of myself and a certain amount of dignity in difficult times and I am sure it has helped make my marriage successful."

About the Kitchen
12. "'Always organize yourself before any big occasion.' Make a written menu, shopping lists and a time schedule for getting things done and tick off each thing as you do it. Plan serving dishes and utensils, refrigerator space and how you will manage the oven and stove. That way all the food is prepared on time, nothing is ruined from keeping it warm too long, and you won't feel rushed."

13. "'If you ever want to know what's going on in your daughter's life, make stuffed grape leaves.' They take a long time to roll and it gives you all the time you could ever need to chatter about anything! This is also why we weren't allowed to learn how to roll them until we were 11 or 12. That's the age when we stopped talking as much to our mother. My daughter and I just rolled grape leaves together a few weeks ago; we had a great talk!"

About Looking Our Best
14. "'Wash your face every morning and every night.' I have never deviated from that bit of advice, ever! She also was always after us not to frown -- and, boy, I'm glad she did because I see so many women with frown lines between their eyes and on their foreheads!"

15. "'Makeup should enhance what you already have; learning to play up your best features is always more appealing than trying to plaster on a look that's just not you.' Less really is more! Also, my mom always said that your hair should frame your face, not shield it! (Remember the late 60's and early 70's!)."

16. "'Stay out of the sun.' I am 56 but look 42-ish -- not a wrinkle present on my face!"

About Being a Mother
17. "'I am the best advocate for my children.' She taught me to not to be afraid to speak up for what they need."

18. "'If you let baby cry for a couple of minutes while you take care of your first child, the baby won't remember waiting.' My mother told me this the day I brought my newborn daughter home and introduced her to my older daughter. If I always responded to the baby first, she explained, the oldest would resent it."

19. "'Make hay while the sun shines.' What she meant by that was, 'get things done while the baby sleeps or is otherwise content.' Words of wisdom such as these can be very helpful when you are a new parent and everything is turning your world upside down. To this day, during my daughter's naptime, I have my seven-year-old son take 'quiet time,' too, so I can 'make hay while the sun shines.'"

20. "'Always provide unconditional love for your children, no matter what the situation. Even if they seem to have turned against you and say mean things, remember that a mother's love is eternal, and one day they will come back to you with the same love you have given them throughout their lives, and that love will be given to their children as well.'"

http://www.ivillage.com/ivillage/print/0,,433537,00.html

Beautiful isn't it? To know your self-worth. Dedicated to all women out there! ;)

Medical Books

2004-03-27T12:58:00.005+08:00

Medical Books

Today I just robbed my father of RM 705 by going down to Kamal in KL. The books better be good; since it was recommended by smart people. Somehow, it's some sort of an investment for my father (on me) .. and it's certainly an obligation for me to utilise it well. Initially, my attempt of going there is to get Clinical Medicine by Kumar and Clark and also the Dorland's Super Huge Illustrated Dictionary. Didn't buy the pocket edition since my father had the ciplak oxford edition. Dad was like saying that 'these books will follow you for life. it's worth it..' Yes. FOR LIFE.. provided I get through med school.

Mun Yee commented that Clinical Medicine by K and C would be helpful for PBL sessions but I have yet to 'explore' the book. Not that I enjoy PBL sessions anyway. :)

Next is Netter's Atlas of Human Anatomy. YEAaaaaaaa... I am going to so LOVE this book man. No more eye-straining-session during NRD's Anatomy lectures. He threatens us in every lecture. 'As a med student.. you blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.... You better don't get into my bad books.. otherwise.. blahblahblahblabhalbahpilipalazizizaza..@#)!&@&#!#!@#!@' .. Anyway, lets hope that I have time to go through the brain/spinal cord structure before I make a visit to the Medical Museum on Monday morning at 9am. YES. I was scheduled to be there on Friday but..... ;P

My cousin read Ganong when she was a student and she sort of like it. I don't think I need it for this semester but what the heck. Since I am already there, why not.

A book recommended by my aunt.

Gray's Anatomy. YEEEPEEEEeeeee !! My father's cousin sister has been recommending me this book even before I stepped in med school.. And yeaaaa.. finally I found one that looks 'N O R M A L'

Before dad left for his dance rehearsal, he came in to remind me to study (I think).. Something is strange with the perfume he's using. For the first time it's not CHOKING at all. Most of the time it's really so bloody choking that the smell would linger around the atmosphere for some time. I kinda like this. It's dunhill x-centric if I am not mistaken... ;) Talking about perfume, I like the new perfume by ralph lauren..BLUE if i am not mistaken (again) ...Still have four bottles lying around (yes yes .. i know its life span is around 1-2 yrs..) and i truly regretted for buying the 100mL(instead of 50) clinique happy (next time.. should not listen to daddy when it comes to buying perfume.. [realising that i don't use as much as he does])

Questions

2004-03-26T22:31:00.000+08:00

Questions

There will never be any true/accurate answers to the following questions but it was something that I was pondering about.

1) Do you believe in the holiness of matrimony?

2) What is marriage in your own description?

3) Why are there couples who commit themselves to extra marital relationships?

4) Do you have an ideal family in your mind?
If yes, can you describe what constitutes an ideal family?

5) Apart from reproduction, what are the significances of marriage? (Nowadays, sperm banks do exist and things like that)

6) To what extend is cohabitation beneficial in this modern generation?

I'm Pissed!

2004-03-23T15:29:00.000+08:00

I'm Pissed

People say that I am very vocal. Yes. I am good at screaming bad words and showing my middle finger (yes yes.. i know it is meaningless.. but just for the sake of doing it.. why not)...Somehow, I am still bad at conveying my feelings in terms of words. Technically (err.. what's so technical about it..?), this is my third week in university (excluding orientation week) and I am still not getting used to it. It seems to take forever for my 'study engine' to warm up. In comparison with my batch mates, I really feel guilty because they seem to study day and night but I am just so not that type. Something is wrong with me as I am still fumbling with the scientific/medical terms. Summative 1 is like next month and I still know nuts about biochemistry. (was that supposed to be the easiest part in the whole semester one?.. if yes, then something must have been very very wrong with my room's feng shui..>>>>>:((((((((((()..Yes yes, day and night you have professors and facilitators telling you that medicine is a life long learning and it's so damn vast.. (read: keep your anxiety and curiousity as minimal as possible) ... the course matrix is so blank....

Anyway, I just had my PBL.. As usual, I don't fancy PBL. I still think it's dumb and a waste of time. Blah.. don't bother convincing me...

'mr blah blah blah aged blah blah blah with blah blahblah children wakes up in the morning and found that the right half of his body was unable to move.. blahblahblah..skin sensation was not felt and speech was disturbed.. blah blahblah .. doctor found the higher functions of the nervous system was normal .. blah blah blah .. cranial nerves was also normal .. blah blah blah.. stroke .. blah blah blah.. tendon reflexes exaggerated and muscle tone was increased.. blah blah blah blah...'

TELL ME!! HOW DOES THAT SOUND!? *yawn*

what are you supposed to do after that? you must analyse sentence by sentence and learn up what you don't know... BINGO!!! Although it's related closely to our daily lectures, I still cant gauge how deep is deep, how far is far and things like that. Facilitators have a copy of LEARNING OBJECTIVES to guide us along the way but unfortunately, we do not exactly know what those objectives are. Sigh. I am so sick of it. *bangs head on the wall* ..

Today, Mr Xerox came to deliver the books. I did my best and in the end i'm being potrayed as the evil of all evil. Where's justice man. Blah. What comes around goes around. I am not going to curse you of getting sore penis or prostate cancer or things like that. No one understands me and some people are just so damn of being a moral police. Seriously, I still think that his dick is superior to his head! Anyway, thanks to Mun Yee again for helping me in distributing the books and I am really sorry due to the fact that you were unable to attend the talk by Dr. something something regarding the USMLE stuff. Hope to find someone that could give you more details on it in future.

YIPEEEEE!!!!

2004-03-21T20:42:00.001+08:00

YIPEEEEE!!!!

Went to Ikano + Ikea this morning. Picked up some stuff from Ikea and headed straight to Popular (i.e CD RAMA) after that. YiPEeEeeEEE!@!!!! Finally got my Sweet Two CD after one miserable week! I like the CD very much .. no regrets except I am poorer by RM 36.90. I can never forgive myself for being a 'banana.' I should have insisted on learning mandarin twelve years ago. My ideal man has to speak mandarin. CONFIRM. On top of that, must be able to write/read as well. *wink**wink*

Just now, someone (read: JNHS) just complained that my blogs are very long. So I am keeping it as short as possible. It's going to be Monday again and I must admit that time really flies. I've so much things to do yet I can't prioritize efficiently.

Visit to Clinical School

2004-03-20T23:16:00.001+08:00

Visit to Clinical School

Mun Yee called me this morning to wake me up for the CS visit (They do this every year to Sem 1's students). I was still ZzZZzing at 7am and I had 45 minutes to wake up/brush teeth/wear baju/drive to uni. Was short of breath when I reached uni. Went up the bus and made myself comfortable. Journey took 45 minutes and the CS is really small compared to the BJ campus. Reason is population in CS is smaller. After a welcoming speech by (can't remember his name but he's a surgeon in GI), we were separated into groups and mine went for a teabreak. Q n A session was next and senior Marilyn had to answer our questions. She's nice, bubbly and friendly. Later, we had Ashok (if I did spell his name correctly), a Sports Rep for the SRC as our tour guide around the CS. He took us to Seremban Hospital despite being warned not to. Would he get into trouble for that?. The comments he made really can make you ROTFL!!! YEAAAA!! zZzZzZ till dinner time when I reached home. And I am growing fatter by the day.

Sigh. It's already SATURDAY and 30 hours before my lecture starts again. I have not catch up with my notes yet and I am living in history. YES YES YES. HOW AM I GOING TO PASS MY SUMMATIVE 1 NEXT MONTH!? Sigh again. I missed my Dry Lab and I have not complete my report. SIGH SIGH SIGH.. I've not done my AIR/SILOS yet and I hope my tutor (I have not seen this guy. SERIOUS.. From his photo..he's no where near cute) is not checking it. SIGHHHHhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHh!! I have tonnes of clothes to iron too. Anyone want to help me?

Late Grandmother's Funeral

2004-03-20T21:47:00.001+08:00

Late Grandmother's Funeral

Last Monday, my father drove back to Penang to see his mother because my uncle told him that her condition worsened. He called the doctor to look at her condition and the doctor said that a week would be maximum. She was suffering from edema and technically, it was due to old age. After that, my father drove back in the evening.

The following day at 5.00 pm, my uncle called my father to inform him that my grandmother had passed away. My dad tried reaching me a couple of times but I forgot to deactivate the silent mode on my mobile. Finally, I answered his call and he told me about the news. Yes. I could like hear him sobbing away but I didn't want to burst his ego. He said he wanted to go back alone but I volunteered to accompany him. Unfortunately, he didn't want me to go due to my lectures.

I didn't know what to do. I could not go against my conscience for not attending her funeral. Although I was not close to her, but she was a very nice lady. I had some responsibilities to follow up. I had to collect batch fund/book money and things like that and missing classes for two consecutive days sounded bad. Sigh. Anyway, I made sure everything was in order and I wrote a manual on post-its for my buddy so that she could take over my role for the next two days. Thank you so much Mun Yee. I really owe you big time! After midnight, I sms-ed my father saying that I would follow him back.

Wednesday morning, I drove back from BJ to USJ. Dad was not happy because I reached home around 9.40 am. He could wait no more to go back to Penang and I felt guilty for delaying his journey. I didn't want to say anything because it was definitely not a right time for an argument. Anyway, I drove back to Penang and almost got 'stormed' by a Mitsu Storm. Blind spot I would say but nevermind. We reached penang island at 1.45 pm. After having lunch, we proceeded to the funeral parlour.

Saw my aunts/undes/grandaunts/blah blah blah... I saw my father's cousin and I talked to her for hours. (Yes. I didn't even have a good look at the coffin n things like that) I like her. I met her during my cousin's wedding two years ago. Supposed to meet up with her last year during RiverDance but I was too busy with work in AirAsia. Anyway, she had to listen to me bitch about everything. i.e kiasu people in medical school and blah blah blah. She is one woman whom I look highly upon - knowing how much she's worth and knowing what she wants in life. Wants to achieve more in life. She's a mechanical engineer by profession and yes..she goes to production plant and works till 12-1am when machine fails and things like that. She's also one who has grease stains all over her shirt.. (according to her mother..).. I didn't want to look bad ... so I took folded some paper money for my late grandmother. At first, it looked mutated but it improved with time.

There were three chantings at night. (Taoist Rights) As a symbol of respect, I took the joss sticks and performed all the rights the medium asked to. I know it was wrong to do so because I believe in Jesus! When they asked me to 'pai pai'.. (read: pray pray in hokkien).. I didn't even know what to say. I just put it back into the ceramic holder. How can I be so bold to make exceptions myself? Nevermind on that. I didn't even understand what the guy was yakking anyway. After that, we had to 'kuai tai' in front of the coffin while that guy continued iloherwqeqwieqwejqwieqweqweqwweq away. His robe was in bad shape...many many holes at the back of it .. and there were two holes right beneath his armpit. (Yes.. I know we should be paying attention but then ... it was like taking forever...) My father was standing right behind of him and my dad took the joss stick and poke it at the back of his robe. All of us were laughing away and my grand aunt whacked my dad for that. (just like small little boy)

After the ceremony ended, my father boldly asked the medium (read: con man)..why are there holes on your robe?

Medium: OH.. this one the children do one....very very pai si (translate: naughty) lorrrr...

Dad: Why you don't want to buy new one?

Medium: weqweqwpoeq[weiqeqwebqwjeqweq

Dad: Weh.. you sure ah you chant the correct thing?

Medium: SURE CORRECT LAH.. WHERE CAN WRONG WAN?

Dad: You chant wrongly also we dunno lah.. we oso no understand wad tokking u...

Medium: !@&#(!&@#!&(@#!@&*#&!@*#^!@*#^!@^#!!!!!

At night time, there were some makan session and managed to hear some stories about my father.. where he purposely stole some rambutans from god knows where and the caretaker chased him till his house...after that.. got caning from my grandmother.. it's so funny man to hear that..Chinese are good eaters. They eat in almost every occassion. Wedding/Funeral/Baby's Full oon/Birthdays/Reunions/Farewell Dinner/etc. I didn't realise that until I saw the series "A Taste of Love" where Flora Chan said, "In whatever situation, the best thing we as humans could do is to sit down and have a good meal together." So technically, it's the 'companionship' which matters more and I find it quite true. Half way, there was this man who came crawling into the funeral parlour (next door) crying so loud that it almost drew everyone's attention. Scary man. I thought I only find such scene in movies but never did I know it really happens in real life. Later, Uncle's friends came to play mahjong too I was too tired to question the relevance of mourning and gambling. Went back to my aunt's place which was quite nearby and slept around 1.30 am. Woke up 6.15 am.

During the funeral, there were so much food offerings for the Gods. Yes. These funeral package thing involved specialisation where different people will provide different things. Half way, this man will come in with fruits. SO MANY!!! EVEN GOT PINEAPPLE!!! Half way, another man will drop by to deliver some kuihs... it really smells good man and I really wanted to try so badly. Then, another man will drop by the dishes and roasted stuff. The band was playing all the evergreen oldies because my grandmother loves music. (Why didn't they call the band when she was still alive weh?!?!?!) Not forgetting the lion dance group (minus the lion.. just the cymbals and other stuff) too. Wanted to snap some photos but people were all sobbing away. Didn't want to look too rude. Oh yeah.. my dad and aunt was scolded by some guy from the funeral shop for being too blur.. dad was so mad and wanted to scream at him back but thank god he didnt..We had to walk at the back of the casket for around 30 minutes I think. It was quite a distance. No joke. Under hot sun at 11.30 am, heat stroke is not surprising. I think we contributed lots of paper money along the journey (read: pollution) and thank God the police didnt issue saman or something like that. I realised that we contributed a fair share to traffic jam as well.. since there were only 2 lanes in penang..Then we hopped into a bus to get to the crematorium. We no longer could go inside as they closed the shuttle once the coffin was pushed in. I drove back to KL with my dad after that along with my long lost cousin. He had some office stuff to do. After Ipoh, dad was complaining that I was going too slow and he took over...He drove around 140/150 and my poor heart almost melted.

Anyway, I was never close to this grandmother of mine. She was really a nice lady and according to my father, she never did talk bad/scold anyone. Did that make her not realise how much she's worth? You see, she used to tell my father 'Son, it's okay if you don't come back to visit me. I understand that you
are very busy and blah blah blah. I wouldn't be angry at you.' Yes, I still feel that my dad took that for granted and I told him I wouldn't want to console him on that. He should feel remorseful because I constantly did remind him to go back and visit her. I didn't mind. My mother is a very good example of a
'perfect' daughter-in-law. My grandmother demanded NOTHING from her. My mother did not attend the funeral despite for being the only daughter in law. Sigh. My father used to explain things out to my late grandmother about my mother and all she said was.. 'haih ... nevermind lah..her character is like that
wan.. i wont be angry wan..' Upon reflection, I feel that people will not value you unless you make your stand and know how much you are worth. If I was in her shoes, I would have said, "WHY? I AM NOT HAPPY. I DONT ACCEPT ANY REASONS. WHERE's YOUR RESPECT TOWARDS ME?" that sorta thing. Anyway, it's too early to tell (for me) and it's too late for her (my late grandmother) to make a change. Although my late grandmother is not WEALTHY at all, she's definitely RICH in kindness and may her soul rest in peace.

Monday Blues

2004-03-15T17:29:00.000+08:00

Monday Blues

How many of you out there actually do suffer from Monday Blues? Lately, I hate waking up on Monday mornings. Sunday night seems gloomy as well. I love weekends. I love holidays. WAaaaaaa... Can you believe that I am only 19 and I am looking forward to early retirement? 4D anyone?

Today, as usual my lecture starts at 10.30am. Being a pain in the ass, I refused to get up from my bed in the morning. I refused to come out from my comforter. *wAaAaaAA* I had so much to do. Iron my clothes, pack my clothes/personal stuff/books/blah blah blah. After much debate with myself, I finally crawled out from the bed at 8.45 am. Bingo huh. Wasn't me the jack@$$ who told myself that everyday is a brand new day huh!?!?!? I ironed my shirt/pants (I am finding ways to find clothes that need not ironing. Did anyone tell me that the crinkle-free shirts are BS?) Bathe, pack my stuff and left my house at 9.50 am. (That's early compared to last week. Last week I left at 10.10 am and ran into the lecture hall panting like mad). Oh yeah, my campus is +/- 17 km away from home but I choose to stay near there. Sometimes, it could take you an hour to get out from USJ. (Untuk Semua Jam/ Ultimate Sakit Jantung) or whatever you want to name it!

Two lectures back to back (with 10 minutes break in between is intolerable for me) I don't seem to be able to concentrate during the second lecture. *yAwn**yaWNnnN*YawnNNN* I've tonnes of lecture notes to catch up with. Being a backmarker sucks big time you know! After lecture, I had to collect orders/$$ for a senior who so happen to operate his own 'xeroxing shop.' It's so unorganised and despite counting the $$ for many times, I am still short of +/- RM 6/7. But but, I did remember topping up some $$ earlier this morning. Being a 'casualty nominee' as a batch treasurer sucks too. Sigh!!! *dotdot sobbing away liao*

Anyway, I am still in uni's com lab for the moment and should disappear really soon because it closes at 5.30 p.m. sharp. Time to go back to my room and die there for the next four days. In the meanwhile, I have to prepare some stuff to 'pan yeh' for my PBL session tomorrow. *Yawn yawn yawn* PBL = Please be lazy/lantau session where it's a perfect time to stare at people. Two outcomes. Either you'll be dead quiet or you'll be yakking away like a 'lantau' (read: dickhead)

Till then, I see you when I see you. Thousand of kisses.

p/s: ah sann ... thank you for what you tried to do this morning.. but that guy is the biggest lantau in the whole wide world.. better save your dua puluh kupang .. or something like that .. .mwahhahahaha... gegulaaaaaaa.. where are youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.... wan go ikano woii!! got concept store there.. mwahhahaha .. more like i wanna get my twin ducky CD lah!!!!!!!! Mwahs!

Nokia Gift Certificate

2004-03-14T19:44:00.000+08:00

Nokia Gift Certificate

Nokia Gift Certificate

Three days ago, Nokia send me a few Gift Certificates such as

1) 25% off to dress your Nokia to the nines
2) A Nokia for a Nokia - The Loan-A-Nokia Programme
3) Time for a little TLC at Nokia Care
4) RM 10 off a cd at CD Rama

Nothing interest me much except for the fourth gift certificate because I wanted the Sweet Two Chinese CD a while ago. (Yes, I saw the advertisement during my WLT session some weeks ago.. talking about the power of advertisement..arghh...) Since I am getting RM 10 off, why not. Sweet Two is the one with two ducks and green background.

http://www.eastern.com.my/cd_search.asp?key=sweet+too&type=cd

I was at Sungei Wang this morning and I went to one of the CD Rama outlets. Bingo. Saw one guy at the counter.

Me: Hello, do you have the Sweet Two CD?

Guy: Out of stock liao.. but got the casette .. you want ah?

Me: Er no no thank you

Guy: How about the VCD... got ah..
*shows me the vCD*

Me: Nevermind nevermind.. thank you.. by the way do you know what is this album called in mandarin?

Guy: sorry ah.. i don't know mandarin!!

!@*#!@#&!@(#&!&#@!!!!! *walk away cursing people who bought it until sold out!*

I tried calling CD Rama Summit, IOI, but it seemed all sold out. The only one that has it is in Ikano Power Centre.. Haih ..that's like so far away from my house.. sobs sobs.. Anyone has this? Maybe can pinjam me to do some operasi!!

Surat Khabar Hari Ini

2004-03-14T19:31:00.000+08:00

Surat Khabar Hari Ini

I was so bored. I could not concentrate in my studies and realising that I had not read the Sunday Star yet, I went down to get it. Fine. Sunday Star is not as thick as newspapers on weekdays but you still pay the same $$. To my surprise, there were not much content except advertisements from political parties telling the rakyat (directly/indirectly) who they should vote for. I totally had no idea what kind of messages were the party trying to send across to the nation. Nevertheless, I think it would be good if we have more constructive opposition parties for the benefit of the rakyat. I should stop here. I am too young to end up in a place where I shouldn't end up in.

Okay fine. There's nothing for me to complain about because I spend at least RM 10.90 monthly buying two leading local female magazines just to admire fine-looking models in advertisements and later dread the way I look. Moreover, why should I complain? I didn't pay a single cent for the papers. I had fun time flipping through the pages and I still couldn't find the 'Dear Thelma' page. Where did it go man!! Argghhhhh!! That's the only page I look forward to every Sunday where you can see people who can't manage their love life asking for advice. What happened to the purity of matrimony man!!??!! Oh ye lustful people!!! Extra marital sex is so prevailing. What is sex man? *stares at the screen waiting for reply* Flip flip flip .. Sports? *yawn* .... 4d results.. *still sceptical about it..how luck can i get..*

*threw papers aside*

*looked for flyers/mags/whatever junk stuff I could find*

*picked up a 12-14 pages blue booklet with multi-languages content + photos of a candidate who's standing for election.. not forgetting the calon's super big face at the front cover + the cross next to the
political party logo*

*flip**flip*flip*

*YAWN.. the guy looked pretty redundant*

Too bad. I am 2 years below the legal age of a registered voter. Politics don't interest me much. Something that I don't and will never understand. In the meanwhile, the best I could do as a reponsible rakyat is to stop (yes.. block the traffic) and admire all the posters/flags around the neighbourhood.